Sunday, September 28, 2008

twilight

i think twilight is my favorite time of the day. there's a feel in the air that i can't quite explain. it just makes me happy. i know this might seem strange, but i feel closer to God at those times. it only last a little while though. you don't have much time to enjoy it. it isn't like the morning or the afternoon which both last for hours. Twilight isn't like that. Twilight lasts just a few moments...and then the night comes.

i think i'll go outside and enjoy the last few moments of it tonight.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

selfish

a lot has been going on in my heart lately.

i've realized a few things about myself...

i've made a few decisions lately that i thought defined who i've become. i thought one mistake...or one line of thinking...completely changed my identity into something that i never thought i could be. and for the past few weeks, i've been acting like those mistakes made me a horrible person...that i wasn't worthy of God's love...that somehow i was now on the other side...somehow i was on the other side of grace.

but i now know that's not true.

i've become an extremely selfish person. and pridefully i didn't think i was. but, isn't that how it works? the minute you don't think you're selfish is the minute you are.

my selfishness gave me entitlement.
my selfishness dominated my actions.
my selfishness separated me from God.
my selfishness revealed my ugly heart.
my selfishness broke my heart.

and worst of all, my selfishness does more than just effect me. worst of all, my selfishness hurts others.

i don't want to be this person. i want to live for others...and not for myself.

i want to love people more than myself...to really love them.

forgive me if you've felt the weight of my selfishness. i wasn't thinking of you...only myself.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

i'll be honest

i haven't been hanging out with God.

in fact

i've been flat out ignoring Him.

i have access to the God of the universe...the one who brings life and love into the world...who breathes air into my lungs..who has saved me from myself time and time again. yeah, that God. i've been ignoring Him. when i really think about it, i want to slap myself....yell at myself: "wake up!"

but in typical kelli fashion, i run when i'm scared.
i'm scared of what He thinks of me...what He's disappointed in...what He wants me to do...and so

i run.

but i love Him so much. He keeps popping in my mind. i can't run too far...He's always there. i LOVE that about Him! He never gives up on me...He never lets go...i push and push Him away and still He pursues me. still He choses me. still He can't get enough of me. who is this God? who is He that He thinks of me this way? after all i have done and all i will do in the future that breaks His heart.

God, help me to stop breaking your heart....

my life has been far from glorifying...but that's no reason to give up.

i won't try harder...because it has nothing to do with me. it isn't how hard i can try to be the woman of God i want to be. it is how much i allow Him to shine through my mess. the mess i create everyday by not believing Him. the mess i create by believing that there is something else out there that will satisfy me more than the creator of it all.