she said...

plans.

2010-06-22T22:02:00.002-04:00

i've never been much of a planner. never have been. i've always liked to see where things would take me...just kinda float with the wind (as the cliche says)

when i was in college, a good friend of mine had a five year plan that looked a little something like this:

year 1 - get internship with local marketing firm
year 2 - graduate college/find job at above marketing firm
year 3 - get engaged
year 4 - get married
year 5- move to suburbs/get dog/get promotion/live happily ever after

i remember seeing her plan and wanting to laugh out loud. what was she thinking? you can't plan your life like that. i wanted to ask...what if you didn't get engaged? what if you lost that internship? what if? what if? what if?

there are too many variables in our lives to make such a plan and then to expect life to follow it. who are we to think like this?

but i think where i've gone wrong is to expect nothing. i almost expect things to fall into my lap...
what kind of life is that? no responsibility...."that's just where the wind blew."

so i'm thinking i might start making plans...thinking about the future. nothing set in stone. nothing to cry over if God leads me through another way....

but something more than just waiting for the next wind to take me through.

listening to: the swell season::this low

home.

2010-06-06T23:57:00.003-04:00

one of my best friends from high school is having a baby next month. i got to go home after church today for her shower and i'll have to admit, i was a little nervous.

i haven't kept up with my friends from back home as well as i should have. and if i'm honest...i really regret that.

when i think back to my high school days..and i really think about who they were to me i realize they were more to me than just friends. they were family.

i walked into two homes today...one i spent a lot of time in and another that was practically my second home. everywhere i looked held a memory....
the kitchen were we'd spend hours dancing at parties when her parents were out of town....the driveway where i drank my first alcoholic drink...the bench i practically broke my toe on after a few more of those firsts drinks...yikes.

the list goes on.

katie was one of the best friends i've ever had. she was always there for me. and even though our lives drifted from each other, being around her and her family feels like home to me.

the geography of a place can hold memories. but the people make it home. i'm grateful for roots.

love.

erased.

2010-05-26T01:04:00.003-04:00

sometimes i think my emotions think they are bipolar. this doesn't come as such a huge shock to me since we are talking about me here. i'm an emotional girl. i admit it. i'm slightly sensitive too. what can i say? i don't mind it. i can't change it. so i just go with it.

but one minute, i'm laughing so hard i'm crying and the next i'm crying different tears. when in the world will this end?

i guess everyday i realize a little bit of me keeps getting erased. and i know that doesn't make sense to the 1 or 2 of you reading this. and it shouldn't....

but have you ever felt like you've been erased by people you love?

it is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

it is out of your control...there's nothing you can do about it...it is like you're watching it happen in a badly acted melodrama and the whole time you're powerless to stop it.

there's no bow for this post....except to say. God is good..God is faithful...and i'm trusting that He is working this all for His glory.

love.

anywhere but here.

2010-05-21T18:06:00.006-04:00

i really need to get out of town.

a vacation. i can't remember the last vacation i took...seriously..let me think.

nope..can't remember.

where to go? the beach. one of my favorite places in the world. yes, please.

but more than that...i want to go everywhere...europe, asia, africa, the middle east, islands, australia...the list really goes on and on. i want to go everywhere!

how do i make this happen?

love.

wedding.

2010-05-18T22:39:00.006-04:00

mandy's wedding was sunday.

she was absolutely stunning. it was such a wonderful night..seriously. it is a beautiful thing to watch two people promise to honor and love one another for the rest of their lives...it was an honor to stand up with her and celebrate that commitment.

i've always had a slight resistance towards marriage. sure i'd like to get married...someday. but that "someday" seems so out of reach. and i don't mean that in a "i'll always be single..no body loves me" kind of way. i mean that in a literal since. i still feel like a kid half the time...and kids shouldn't get married, right?

joking aside....

i've witnessed few marriages that seem to have a glimmer of something i hope to one day have. i've seen too many marriages consist of broken dreams, settling and miserable people. who wants that? not me.

i've seen husbands ignore their wives...wives nag their husbands. i've seen lack of love and respect. i've seen adultery first hand. i've seen divorce papers and courthouses.

i've seen broken noses and bruises.

what has become of such a sacred thing?
what have we done? what have i done?

i hope to one day get over my phobia of marriage. i hope to one day realize that yes, people always will change...that's life. but they don't always have to change for the worse. people don't always leave....they don't always turn into someone you don't recognize anymore...they don't always lie, hurt and cheat.

people can love. and sacrifice. and fight for what is true.

yes, people can change...but you can change with them.

love.

friend.

2010-05-17T20:54:00.006-04:00

"timing is everything"...that's how the saying goes right?

i believe God has all of time in His realm...in His front pocket...on the tip of His tongue. His timing is perfect. He's never late and it is always well thought out. He knows exactly when we need to hear something...that is, if our ears are open...

i was sitting on my couch this evening reading the latest cover story in Relevant magazine about Bear Grylls. for those of you who do not know, Bear has his own adventure reality show on The Discovery Channel called Man vs. Wild.

he gets thrown into situations where he must survive in the wild alone. it is ridiculous and i love it.

i didn't get too far into the article when I had one of those timing moments. the day had been hard, and i really just wanted to go to bed and escape the day. but i randomly picked up the magazine that i had already read most of...

in an interview with Bear, this is what He said:

"i remember having one moment when some really good friends turned their back on me in a really nasty way. and i remember praying a simple prayer up a tree one evening and saying, 'God, if you're like i knew you as a kid, would you be that friend again?"

this hit me so hard tonight and brought me to tears (shocker). slowly over time, i believe i've put too much of my affections and heart into my friendships. don't get me wrong, friendships are gifts from God and should be cherished...however, i believe they had become an idol in my life. they were my crutch.

i didn't have many quiet moments...i was so wrapped up in having to constantly be with them....to never be alone (as if being alone is bad).

i can't begin to understand God's purpose and reasoning into this season of my life, but the only thing that brings me comfort is that He wants me to call Him my best friend...and no one else. He wasn't my best friend...plan and simple. but what He allowed to happen in my life made me face that simple fact.

He wants me to come to Him first when i'm weary and tired...not to anyone else.

He wants me to give up random nights to just hang out with Him...and not just fill another night with friends.

He wants all of me...and as Holy and Sovereign and Worthy of so much more of me....He wants my friendship.

these past three or four months have been some of the hardest....my whole world has been pulled up from underneath me.

But He has never left...and as I have found myself go from always completely surrounded to suddenly almost completely alone, i realize that He was my best friend all along...all i had to do was stop reaching for second best to Him.

love.

long way home

2009-11-22T22:41:00.003-05:00

today was an interesting day with a range of emotions all packed in a 24 hour period.

i went from feeling frustrated and tired to appreciated and encouraged. i went from joyful and humbled to rejected and attacked.

don't you hate when that happens? it's almost as if you can visualize the battle going on for your emotions.

after a very long day, i found myself driving home after church (www.passioncitychurch.org). i left in such a defeat that i was just driving on autopilot. about halfway home, i realized that i took the extremely long way home. i could have been home 30 minutes earlier if i had just paid attention.

i think this is my spiritual life right now...i'm on autopilot. sure, i'll have great moments with God...but i'm just letting the car take me where it wants to go. i'm not taking my responsibility seriously of taking the wheel (carrie underwood would be ashamed of me for saying this..). But, I'm not being proactive.

honestly, i'm too tired right now to complete even where i'm going with this...i could just save this as a draft and finish it later...but i wanted to share.

random unfinished thoughts..

love.

currently listening to : hillsong, with everything

gone.

2009-11-18T23:45:00.002-05:00

wow. i've been gone for a while, eh?

not 100% sure why...laziness? nah, that's not it. fear? that seems a little closer to the truth.
i guess i was afraid of what i'd write on here...afraid i'd expose too much. who knows. i guess it doesn't really matter either way. it's just a blog, right?

i was inspired the other day to start writing to you good folks again. we'll see how long this lasts...or if anyone will be around to read. :)

just thought i'd say hey.

love.

listening to: the civil wars - poison and wine. (you seriously have to hear this song)

156 times

2009-02-19T09:50:00.002-05:00

I was reading Blue Like Jazz for about the 156th time last night when I came across this particular passage:

“When I was young I thought I had forever to figure things out…but I didn’t. I didn’t have long to figure things out. I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time.”

Wow. I couldn’t shake those words. I kept reading on but I found that I wasn’t really understanding the words I passed through. “but rather have us wasting time” kept replaying over and over in my head.

God had something to say and He wouldn’t let me carry on without knowing that.

How many times have I read this book and how many times have I read that passage…but never have they hit me the way they hit me last night.

I started asking myself...God, are you saying I’ve been wasting time? Honestly, in some areas I think the answer is yes. But I think God had more to say than that. Something much more…something below the surface of the obvious.

What if, I’ve been spending too much time focusing on my sin…focusing on my brokenness and my mistakes…that I’ve missed something He’s been wanting to do in me?

What if, I’ve been wasting my time on things already forgiven?

What if I’m not that same person anymore? Even that person I was just a few months ago? Is that even possible…even believable? Funny thing is, God can change anyone in an instant. I know this. I believe it. So how can I not believe it of myself?

I’ve been tricked. I’ve been fooled, and I’ve spent too much time believing lies.

My time is valuable…not because it is mine but because it is His.

Currently listening to: Bethany Dillon::My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold

mercy

2009-01-31T15:25:00.003-05:00

this might be a bit more information than many of you would like to hear...

maybe a little too transparent.
maybe not enough.

my heart was breaking the other night...i couldn't stop it. it was all my fault. it was all my doing. i chose to live that way...to wallow in it...to believe lies when i knew they were empty.

the next morning i got down on my knees and begged God to take it away....to have mercy.
you ask with a pure heart...and you'll receive, right?

so why was i so shocked when my heart didn't hurt at all the next day? i felt just fine. i felt free. maybe it was because the truth finally became clear to me...

maybe it was because i begged for His mercy.

maybe it was because i didn't deserve it but God is so madly in love with me that He granted my plea.

either way...

i'm fine.

i'm just fine...and it feels amazing.

:)

currently listening to::fiction family

i need

2009-01-25T17:06:00.002-05:00

i need to believe Jesus at His word

i need to leave this place

i need to live...love...cry...laugh

i really need to laugh

i need MORE of Him...so much more. so, so much more that me doesn't exist anymore. can that happen?

please?

sometimes, i just wish Jesus would come back..but then i get scared because i want to hear "well done..."

sometimes, i'm not quite sure i'll hear that.

i want to hear that more than anything in this world.

my actions communicate something different.

i've never been much of a believer of words. but actions...now actions say it all.

currently listening to :: kim walker | sing my love

psalm 63

2008-12-30T15:47:00.002-05:00

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

wow...this verse has been popping up in my life off and on for the past two years.

this is both where i am and where i want to be...my soul does thirst for Him and His love is better than life but i'm not earnestly seeking Him...and my lips definitely don't always glorify Him. God, why don't they?

currently listening to:: phil wickham:: you're beautiful

i need rescue.

done.

2008-12-24T11:32:00.004-05:00

i could feel my heart begin to harden this week...and for a bit, i allowed it.

sometimes, protecting ourselves is all we know how to do. stop the pain, right? i noticed i started to have a bad attitude towards things that i've always been joyful over. i've always had a hopeful heart and the past couple of days, i've felt defeated.

my life changed a few months ago...when it did, i thought that i'd never go back to being 'me' again. i thought that a piece of me was gone forever.

but i decided today that i'm done with that. i won't allow my heart to be hardened. that's what satan would want. he wants me out of the fight...he wants me distracted...he wants me hopeless. but i'm choosing to fight. and i haven't been. i've made lame attempts to get my life back knowing the whole time it wasn't a true effort.

i don't want to live like this anymore. i was meant for more.

God is my love. God is my life. and i'm going to start acting like it again.

currently listening to: None But Jesus::Hillsong

waiting...

2008-12-16T17:23:00.003-05:00

i feel like i'm always waiting...

currently listening to: Wires:: Athlete

a lot to say

2008-12-06T14:41:00.003-05:00

last night i couldn't sleep.

there was this restlessness that i couldn't get past. so, i threw brooke fraser in my cd player (yes, some of us still have those...shocking, i know) and i laid on my floor. i started looking through my notebooks...some old and some recent and i realized something about myself...

i have a lot to say.

now, i don't really know if what i have to say is necessarily coherent, collected, or any good but one thing is certain...there's a lot of words written on pages where only my eyes venture.

all this to say what? hmm..not really sure. maybe to hold myself accountable to write more here...not sure many are reading my blog anyway and actually i'm not quite worried about it. because, as great as it feels to write something in a journal that only i'll read, there's something about writing what's on your heart and knowing others are reading it....and deep down you pray that maybe they'll feel you're pain even if you don't come right out and say what it is....

currently listening to: If I Were a Boy :: Beyonce (don't judge...she can sing!)

thank you.

2008-11-18T17:21:00.002-05:00

i've been off lately.

i didn't realize how off i was until people kept asking me what was up. i didn't mean to cause concern.

when i get like this (which isn't too often i don't think), i pretend that i'm not. i know i shouldn't do that...maybe that doesn't make me authentic..i don't know. but i figure, there's no sense bothering people with my silliness. hmm...sounds like a deep rooted issue, eh? ;)

but joking aside, i've really realized how amazing the people who are around me are...there was an "intervention" at work with my girls. it was HILARIOUS! between them and other friends...i've realized that God has truly given me the most amazing people in the world to love on me..and even though i have His love and that trumps it all...it does help to have them there as well. i'd be a hot mess without them!

so...this is to say thank you. my friends rock my little world!

listening to: ingrid michaelson:: be ok

oh, starbucks. how i love thee...

2008-11-04T17:51:00.004-05:00

odd things happen to me from time to time. mainly though, they happen at starbucks. maybe it is something in the air...who knows.

need an example? this one happened just about 15 minutes ago...

i left work early to go vote. i decided to chill at starbucks to get some more work done.

i notice an attractive guy in his mid thirties dressed in a dress shirt, tie..the whole nine yards. he's working away and doesn't really give much attention to me. i sit down...get to work.

i'm not sure how much time goes by..an hour and a half? two hours? who knows.

there's this really quirky girl who works at this particular starbucks. she's awkward. i like her.

she comes around giving out samples of the new hot chocolate. yumm..who am i to turn down a free anything?

she comes by mr. suit and tie and offers a sample. this is the conversation that proceeds..

quirky girl: "oh you mr. nice tie can take two."

mr. suit: (laughs) "oh thank you but i'm fine with just one thanks."

quirky girl: "well, you can definitely take two since you have such a snazzy tie."

quirky girl turns towards me and says:

quirky girl: "oh, you get two too since you have a fun scarf. you know, you two should talk since you (looking towards mr. suit) have a nice tie and you (looking towards me) have a fun scarf. you guys should start IMing each other so you can pretend that you're working but really you're not."

mr. suit: (big smile..laughing)

me: (scared look on my face, nervous laughter): "haha...yeah..."

quirky girl: "ok, well..i'll go back to work now. you two should really talk."

so, she walks away...we both look at each other, shake our heads and laugh...then the unexpected!

mr. suit: "hi fun scarf. i'm nice tie."

me: (nervous laughter)

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nuff said...

currently listening to: jimmy eat world: pain

complicated

2008-11-01T15:26:00.002-04:00

when did my life become so complicated?

currently listening to: mat kearney

something beautiful.

2008-10-19T19:47:00.004-04:00

isn't it strange the affect beautiful things have on us?

i was driving towards the sunset tonight...just running a few errands (hello, blockbuster for the next Heroes disc!)

my mind was racing, and i found myself lost in my thoughts. here i was...in the normal. in the mundane. and then there it was...

something beautiful.

the sunset seemed to pause in time waiting for me to open my eyes to its existence. it has always been there..and until God is done with this earth, it will continue to be there...there's always a sunset somewhere, right? sometimes we just miss it.

but for just a brief moment...my mind cleared and it all drifted away. beauty...real beauty...has a way of doing that, doesn't it?

i've been missing the sunsets lately...and not just the physical ones. i've been so consumed with my mess that i've ignored the beauty that God has placed in my life...

sometimes, i think He makes the sunset that much more spectacular just for me...

you know, i wouldn't put it past Him.

currently listening to: fiona apple

twilight

2008-09-28T19:35:00.002-04:00

i think twilight is my favorite time of the day. there's a feel in the air that i can't quite explain. it just makes me happy. i know this might seem strange, but i feel closer to God at those times. it only last a little while though. you don't have much time to enjoy it. it isn't like the morning or the afternoon which both last for hours. Twilight isn't like that. Twilight lasts just a few moments...and then the night comes.

i think i'll go outside and enjoy the last few moments of it tonight.

selfish

2008-09-27T15:50:00.003-04:00

a lot has been going on in my heart lately.

i've realized a few things about myself...

i've made a few decisions lately that i thought defined who i've become. i thought one mistake...or one line of thinking...completely changed my identity into something that i never thought i could be. and for the past few weeks, i've been acting like those mistakes made me a horrible person...that i wasn't worthy of God's love...that somehow i was now on the other side...somehow i was on the other side of grace.

but i now know that's not true.

i've become an extremely selfish person. and pridefully i didn't think i was. but, isn't that how it works? the minute you don't think you're selfish is the minute you are.

my selfishness gave me entitlement.
my selfishness dominated my actions.
my selfishness separated me from God.
my selfishness revealed my ugly heart.
my selfishness broke my heart.

and worst of all, my selfishness does more than just effect me. worst of all, my selfishness hurts others.

i don't want to be this person. i want to live for others...and not for myself.

i want to love people more than myself...to really love them.

forgive me if you've felt the weight of my selfishness. i wasn't thinking of you...only myself.

i'll be honest

2008-09-07T18:19:00.003-04:00

i haven't been hanging out with God.

in fact

i've been flat out ignoring Him.

i have access to the God of the universe...the one who brings life and love into the world...who breathes air into my lungs..who has saved me from myself time and time again. yeah, that God. i've been ignoring Him. when i really think about it, i want to slap myself....yell at myself: "wake up!"

but in typical kelli fashion, i run when i'm scared.
i'm scared of what He thinks of me...what He's disappointed in...what He wants me to do...and so

i run.

but i love Him so much. He keeps popping in my mind. i can't run too far...He's always there. i LOVE that about Him! He never gives up on me...He never lets go...i push and push Him away and still He pursues me. still He choses me. still He can't get enough of me. who is this God? who is He that He thinks of me this way? after all i have done and all i will do in the future that breaks His heart.

God, help me to stop breaking your heart....

my life has been far from glorifying...but that's no reason to give up.

i won't try harder...because it has nothing to do with me. it isn't how hard i can try to be the woman of God i want to be. it is how much i allow Him to shine through my mess. the mess i create everyday by not believing Him. the mess i create by believing that there is something else out there that will satisfy me more than the creator of it all.

worship.

2008-08-15T00:02:00.005-04:00

someone brought it to my attention tonight that i've been rather quiet on here lately. i'll leave out his name to protect the innocent...haha

tonight..after a night of worship at church...i found myself praying for everyone leaving.

that we as a church would not be consumers of worship. that our hands wouldn't raise and our hearts swell with emotion in vain.

that the emotions God stirs in our bodies would resound out there...

on the streets...

in our families...

in our work...

as that steve fee song says, "that what we do in here, fills the streets out there..."

i love that line. i feel this is one of the biggest diseases facing The Church today.

we have a whole lot of words...and very few actions.

i pray your life is filled with worship.

that your words are worship...your bodies are worship...your hearts are worship.

i pray The Church learns to worship again.

2008-08-10T17:34:00.006-04:00

i haven't really been showing my blog some love lately. not quite sure why. maybe because i feel like i have to be honest here and lately i haven't really been in the mood for sharing to everyone and their grandmother. or maybe it is because some things lose their "newness" and then we are no longer attracted to them. i think that might be it. that's the american way isn't it?

i thought i'd post a few pictures of what i've been up to lately.

i got a hair cut last saturday...she made it pretty. i can't quite get it to look like this. i guess that's why she's the professional. either way, my hair has pretty much been in a pony tail since monday because of this very reason.

i've mainly just been doing a little bit of this:

erica caught me trying to play my guitar left-handed. you'd think playing it this way would feel more comfortable since i'm left-handed but this was not working out so well.

anyway...so as you can tell, life is interesting (insert sarcasm).

save me from myself.

2008-07-24T00:52:00.004-04:00

my hope lies in you, God. and You alone.

my future is held firmly..
my breath given to me by the very lips of the One who created the universe.

i have made plenty of plans.

i have made numerous assumptions.

each time...i was wrong. You God, and You alone know what's best for me.

You save me from my self...from those plans...from those assumptions...from me.

Father, give me courage to lose those plans...to rid my heart of assumptions..ideals..and norms.

let my life be a mighty wind of worship for Your Glory and not my own...

let my life speak volumes to Your greatness...and nothing of my own...

let where my hope lies bring you glory...

as my plans leave my heart, fill me with You...

nothing is better than you.

nothing.

Father, save me from myself.

Currently listening to:: Live It Out

heavy.

2008-07-14T13:13:00.002-04:00

My heart was so heavy that I couldn’t lift my hands in worship. Some of the words on the screen weren’t true of my heart. I stood there paralyzed. Ashamed.

With watery eyes I knew He knew my heart wasn’t completely His. I had been seeking validation from others…and I started to believe the lie that I was not worthy of His Love. His Blood.

But…

God restored my heart through His people. And the best part about it is they have no idea what they did for me today.

They have no idea how they showed me His face.

I love how He loves me.

My arms suddenly lost their heaviness. And I was able to worship His Faithfulness in my defeated heart.

currently listening to: a fine frenzy::you picked me.

texas troopers, janet jackson, a drunk kitty, and two crazy sisters.

2008-07-05T20:11:00.003-04:00

those are just a few things that made the trip with my sister across the US one of the best trips ever.

i got a call (no, a text) from my sister saying she was leaving las vegas (chime in "Leaving Las Vegas" by Sheryl Crow) on friday of last week. by that afternoon, i had a one way flight booked for vegas leaving sunday night at 8pm. by the time all of the delays were done, i arrived in vegas around 3am my time...or 12am her time. of course in perfect kimmie fashion, she was not all packed and ready to go as planned. so her and her boyfriend picked me up at the airport and we arrived back at her place to finish packing...or should i say they finished packing. i was laying on the bed playing with dusty (kim's cat) when next thing i know kim wakes me up saying it was time to go.. i look at the clock...it was 4am her time. oops.

off we go. route 66!

honestly, there's just way too much to write about. we got to see the hoover dam when it was still dark at night. it was quite a sight even in the dark. peaceful.

i fell in love with arizona's hills/mountains and sights. new mexico is a close second. i really wanted to detour up to the grand canyon but kimmie just wanted to get back home. long story..but i completely understood. that will be for another trip another time.

the first day, we pushed through into oklahoma city. i love me some oklahoma! i wasn't expecting that.

on our way to OK, i got pulled over by a texas state trooper. kimmie and i could not stop laughing! i haven't been pulled over since i was 17 on my way to work one day. he was actually really funny. he asked if i had stolen the car (since my license is GA and her tags are NV). he then asked us if we hadn't heard not to mess with texas (i wonder how often he's told that line...). either way, he let me off! he said i was speeding (come on dude, i was going 6 miles over the speed limit!) and i was in the left hand lane. who knew you can only pass in the left hand lane. crazy texas!

it might have been one of those "you'd have to be there" type of moments, but man did we have fun with trooper trevor! i guess it helped that he was kinda cute too. i'm just glad i didn't get a ticket. i'll never talk bad about texas troopers again playing hard ball.

now, kim gave dusty half of some kind of pill to calm her down. mistakenly (long story) we gave her more than we were supposed to. so, let's just say that drunk kitty kept us laughing the entire ride! there was one point where dusty was lying belly up, meowing, stuck between boxes of dvds and books. she couldn't move...and of course we offered no help at all...we were too busy rolling on the floor laughing. oh, the things that become funny when you're running on no sleep with hours of road ahead and behind you.

we made it to mom's house around 11pm eastern time on tuesday night. we made it in two days. i was very proud of us! even though we didn't stop often, i wouldn't trade it for any other sight. my kimmie and i had the time of our lives. i'll never forget it!

our soundtrack included: janet jackson (rhythm nation! come on..black cat rocks my world), wilson phillips, social d, nirvana, foo fighters, the cranberries, tool, kid rock (don't ask), limp biscuit (again, don't ask), a fine frenzy, flyleaf, some more janet jackson, paula abdul, vanilla ice, nkotb, kelly clarkson, nine inch nails, various random radio stations...oh it goes on and on...

currently listening to: whatever in the world this is at starbucks...sounds like someone trying to be like bob dylan. sorry to break it to ya buddy...there's only one bob.

tagged..again.

2008-06-21T00:43:00.005-04:00

so, the beautiful and talented katie tagged me to write 10 random things about myself. hmmm...i've already done this so now i have to come up with 10 more. i'm not quite sure i can be creative in my answers this late at night..but i know if i don't do it now, i'll forgot.

1) i went to the braves game tonight and they have a huge fireworks show for every friday home game...i had forgotten how much i LOVE fireworks! they make me so very happy! (ok, lame i know..i promise this gets better)

2) this one is inspired by my move to alpharetta..aka the suburbs. i'm not a fan of the suburbs. i love the city and i love the country...but am not loving the burbs. but, God has a funny sense of humor and there i will find myself starting this weekend for at least a year.

3) i love being with people (maybe this has to do with my love language being quality time)...i'm not a fan at all of having large amounts of time to myself. of course, we all need some time alone. but give me 30 minutes and my batteries are recharged and i'm good for a while. i just love to get to know people. i love hearing stories...hear what they love..what they are passionate about..i could go on...

4) I grew up thinking my dad could do no wrong. then, when i was about 14 i stopped talking to him (i can't remember why now..that's how insignificant and petty it was). i didn't see or talk to him again until i graduated from college. four days after graduation, i flew out to Minnesota and stayed with him, my step-mom and brother for 10 days. that was tough. things are much better now. sometimes i cannot believe i allowed that much time to pass us by. but, i treasure all the moments i have with him now. God is the God of restoration!

5) my older sister lives in las vegas. we grew up thinking we'd live next to each other. she'd marry tom cruise (boy did she dodge a bullet) and i'd marry patrick swayze or michael jackson (i'm the one who really dodged that bullet)!

5) most christians make me really mad.

6) i want to live outside of the US for at least a year sometime in my lifetime.

7) if God has me get married, i hope to adopt as many kids as my husband and i can handle! and i want to continue to adopt even as the others grow older...i'm sure that idea will change as i get older. there's only so much you can handle right?

8) i secretly wish i could travel around the world and take pictures for a living. i also secretly wish i could be a race car driver...hmmm...how do i go about both of those at the same time?

9) i used to be afraid of the dark. i'm not bad now, but sometimes i spook myself into thinking a burglar is in the house when it is pitch black.

10) i love nature! i love camping, hiking, exploring etc. Such worship takes place in admiring His work. HE is incredible!

So, I am supposed to tag a bunch of people...but how about this. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged. ;)

currently listening to: Death Cab for Cutie

"take me to this Love"

2008-06-18T23:13:00.004-04:00

can you imagine those words coming out of the mouth of an eight year old street child? an orphan. alone. sniffing glue.

he told her he had never been told about love or this Jesus she spoke of. how could He be Love? he said he wanted to know about this love so he told her, "take me to this Love."

my heart wanted to burst out of my chest. i sat there asking God how He could stand by and allow an eight year old never hear those words...allow him to go hungry and unprotected. And then i realized that it wasn't God who allowed him to go unloved and unprotected, but us. we are His hands and feet. we are His people. He has put us on this earth to be that love to the orphan...the widow...to the unlovable...to the forgotten...to the prisoners...to each other.

our ears have heard..we are responsible.

i've always dreamed big dreams. i used to think a part of my worth would be found in my ability to make those dreams come true. most of my dreams have been extremely selfish. most have involved me receiving glory. i remember standing on the dusty ground in kenya laughing and singing with five young boys. i remember looking into their eyes and feeling completely at home. i looked around at their humble surroundings...no electricity, no fast food around the corner, no wal-mart, no starbucks..and i imagined living there and being completely content...completely at home...living a life loving the orphan...the forgotten...the rejected...

but even though that vision might not have been for me to act on right away...i still see it as a reminder of our calling as a people...my calling as a woman of God. i am to love even when i'm not loved back....oh how hard that can be.

i am to never forget...i am to plead their case...

and i am to continue to love those God brings into my life as if my life depended on it.

Father, how in the world do i do that?

Currently listening to:: Brooke Fraser::Shadowfeet

wow.

2008-06-14T22:18:00.002-04:00

my last post was kinda depressing. i promise i'm ok! :)

currently listening to: natasha bedingfied::wild horses (not the rolling stones "wild horses")

insecurities.

2008-06-12T21:57:00.004-04:00

i have a lot of them.

they haunt me at times.

i find myself extremely aware of my imperfections and highly conscious of other's strengths that i do not possess.

i get really quiet.

i get nervous.

all i want to do is run. and i do.

i'm doing it right now.

sometimes when i allow God in, i don't run as far. i start to believe the words He speaks into my heart.

and i feel free. my heart feels light.

i look at everyone with a different set of eyes. they are all so beautiful...lovely.

i don't let their words sting as much, or their sideways glances make me question my intelligence. i don't let their rejection of my friendship make me question my worth. i don't let their perception of who i am actually define who i am.

if only i'd let Him in more often. if only i'd believe Him.

currently listening to: bethany dillon::imagination

home.

2008-06-06T00:28:00.003-04:00

i get emotional going to my hometown sometimes.

it is really odd though because it really only happens when i go to see old friends..not when i go visit my mom.

as i was driving through the backroads, i passed by so many places that hold so many memories...

the rock quarry we'd sneak into late at night
my old best friend patrick's house
katie's grandparents house where we spent our summers because they'd let us do whatever we wanted
the football field
"his" house....

as i took the long way home tonight, i found myself sad....missing those days. i felt like i belonged somewhere...and i did. even though the whole time i couldn't wait to break free..to move to the city...to run away...now, i'm sad i didn't live in the moment more while i was there.

yet, who i was back then is NOT someone i want to be...and I had to leave...trust me, i wanted to.

so...tonight as i held katie's beautiful baby JuleeAnn in my arms..i looked around the table of a family i grew up with and adopted as my own...the friends from high school i thought i'd be best friends with forever...and laughed together as if i had never gone away...

i thanked God for roots....

for my past....

and for what He has given me now...

currently listening to: Breathe In Breathe Out::Mat Kearney

my second home

2008-06-02T23:35:00.008-04:00

i love this lamp.

my "desk"

life is tough here...i feel so confined. my creativity is stifled.

think we love orange?

currently listening to: turn the page::metallica (i love their version)

starting to wonder.

2008-05-24T02:25:00.003-04:00

i find twitter and other such "social networks" fascinating.

i can definitely not disagree with anyone that these websites do provide a form of social interaction...a form of community. that is definitely clear. however, are we using these websites as a way out of getting to know people face to face?

Are we just plain scared?

I've noticed for years how much easier it is for people to speak more freely through the web...whether it be through instant messenger, myspace, facebook, twitter, etc. But i'm starting to believe these things are all crutches. they are all ways we can pretend that we are really communicating effectively with others when really we're just scared to have actual human contact.

Is it easier to be rejected over the computer screen than in person? Heck yes it is! At least via email, you don't have to face someone and see the look in their eyes. You almost don't have to know the real truth. But how is that healthy? How is that normal? What is normal anymore?

Now, on to the whole reason why i even started this blog.

I really think the main problem with these networks isn't within the sites themselves. I mean, come on...twitter is a great idea. Facebook...myspace...i've reconnected with so many people that i might have never "seen" again if not for those sites. That isn't my issue.

My issue is the girl too busy with her face stuck in her iphone twittering...yet all the while missing out on a conversation happening with the people right in front of her. My issue is with the boss that would rather facebook people than sit and have coffee with a staff member. My issue is with the workaholic who is on vacation but cannot stay away from their phone or laptop for five seconds to actually fully enjoy the setting sun....the sound of silence....life without electronics.

Have we forgotten what it is like to not be so distracted by being in the "know" that we negelct the people God has placed in our life in that exact moment in time? What if God doesn't want us to be focusing on Bob down the road...why should i really care that he's washing his car when Sally beside me needs a friend right now....but, i'm too stuck twittering to Bob and all of my followers about how I'm meeting with Sally. My question...am I really meeting with Sally?

Again, don't get me wrong. I think these sites are fun...interesting...and can really connect you with those you do life with. but....

when you find yourself getting to know people more through these places than through actual conversation...something is not right. we were made for human contact and interaction. you cannot argue to me that having a conversation via twitter or ichat beats actual human contact.

i won't buy it.

i love my sister!

2008-05-23T10:42:00.004-04:00

There was a package waiting for me from my sister when i got home last night. It was a shoe box...did she get me shoes? I'm not really a shoe person but love the gesture.

Oh, my sister knows me so well.

She sent me the box set to Indiana Jones! AND in with the box, i found a check with enough money for a ticket and snacks or two people. In the memo section of the check she put, "for Indiana Jones tickets."

Do i have the best sister or what?! She knows how much i not only love Harrison Ford but also how much i love Indiana Jones.

It almost makes me want to go back and study archaeology again...hearing Indy talk in the movie really made me miss it.

I love my Kimmie!

Currently listening to: Jon Foreman::The Cure for Pain

thinking...

2008-05-23T00:26:00.002-04:00

i've been thinking about the chapman family a lot.

i've been praying for them...especially for the driver of the car. can you imagine? he's really been on my heart.

but, as i was watching a video of Maria...a thought came to mind...

as i watched her laugh and giggle with her father in the video, all i could think of is how happy she was. all i could think of was that God placed Maria in their hands so He could hear her laughter...so that she could live the little bit of time that she had left on this earth feeling loved, happy, and free.

they did their job. they loved. and God decided He needed her with Him...right where she belongs...

garden.

2008-05-17T22:52:00.003-04:00

i want to start a garden.

but not just any garden. i want to be able to live off of my garden. i want to can the vegetables i grow.

if i decide to make a salad, i want to just walk outside and grab what i need. hmmmm. yeah. i like the sound of that.

problem:

i don't have a house for said garden.

i guess i'll just have to wait.

currently listening to: Colm Mac Con Iomaire:: Blue Shoes

because.

2008-05-14T23:56:00.006-04:00

"because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything."

from Francis Chan's book "Crazy Love."

currently listening to: All We Need::Charlie Hall

sometimes.

2008-05-13T15:25:00.001-04:00

sometimes i cant see past the horizon. what am i saying. i never can.

sometimes i forget that God's in charge of that.

mom

2008-05-11T21:54:00.005-04:00

she's pretty much amazing.

it is slightly fuzzy, but that's what i like most about it.

beautiful flowers! :) gotta love her "piano of fame" she's got going there.

i finally broke down...

2008-05-10T23:07:00.002-04:00

twitter will be my end.

i tried to hold out...

just last week, i was saying i wouldn't do it. i said the same thing about facebook....

i said the same thing about blogging....

i need to stop saying i'll "never" do something. i eat my words quite often.

in other thoughts...i just listened to the song "yearn" by shane and shane. that song kills me. "i wanna yearn for you. i wanna burn with passion over you."

man, that's what God wants of us..that's who He's designed us to yearn over...Himself.

do you yearn for Him...more of Him...all of Him?

that song convicts me of all the things i yearn for that will never fill me up.

currently listening to: mat kearney, in the middle.

iron man

2008-05-09T11:23:00.002-04:00

i love my job.

yesterday for Debbie's birthday, we went for lunch and then saw iron man.

go see it.

so good.

currently listening to: meghan coffee, not easy to love

is it strange...

2008-05-07T21:11:00.001-04:00

that i was listening to Christmas songs on my way home tonight?

Currently listening to: Patsy Cline, Walking After Midnight.

I read a lot of Nancy Drew growing up...can you tell?

2008-05-06T00:01:00.006-04:00

Hiding out behind the blinds..Autumn, Natalie and I found ourselves rolling on the floor laughing. The best line of the night... "Natalie, don't get all baptist on them." Natalie's response..."Hell fire and brimstone!" Nice, Natalie. Nice.

Since I've lived with Autumn, i've been very interested in the townhome across the way. I pass by it everyday...with our windows open, I can see all the comings and goings of those living there. What can i say? I'm a people watcher...nosey...and easily distracted. So, of course you'll find me staring out the window from time to time.

So, I've noticed quite a few interesting happenings at said house...which i'll refer to as the Hostel from now on. There are always new cars in the parking lot with out of state tags...exhibit A. Exhibit B....there are strange women and men always coming in and out that I never see more than twice. Exhibit C....their living room looks like a bedroom (something i've noticed just by walking by...i promise I'm not a stalker...). Exhibit D...ummm..that might be it.

At first, I only noticed men coming and going and therefore made the logical assumption it was a brothel. Obvious, right? But the people coming in and out didn't quite fit the stereotype of what a pervert would look like...however a pervert comes in all forms, I am sure. Moving on....

Then, I started thinking it was a hostel. I tried looking online...but came up empty. So, maybe it isn't a hostel...even though i still call it that.

My latest theory...

It is a Commune. (and no this theory has not been influenced by the latest news story about the commune out west).

I'm pretty sure the people living there are Morman. I see people coming and going on Saturday dressed in their Sunday Best...or for them, their Saturday Best. One of the women living there drives a car with a "Mitt for president" bumper sticker...(will someone tell her he's out of the race?)...

And then...the piece that ties all of this together....Autumn, Natalie and I saw two Mormon Missionaries (young men, dressed in white shirts with name tags and black pants, riding bikes) go up to the Brothel/Hostel/Commune and knock on the door. The Mitt fan answered the door....they proceeded to talk for about 10 or 15 minutes outside on the stoop...smiles...spots of laughter. Buddies? Maybe so. Either way, us girls turned out the lights, closed the blinds and prayed they wouldn't come over to chat. There we were, peeping through the blinds trying to figure them out.

And then it hit us...as great as the mystery was...as much fun as it was us laughing at ourselves....making jokes...

I realized that we did the classic "Christian" thing of trying to isolate ourselves from those different from us...those who don't agree...In that moment, we were those Christians I cannot stand.

i hope they come back...

and I hope they come to my door...and I hope i'm home.

(mainly though so i can ask which is it? Brothel, Hostel, or Commune. God, let it be a Hostel or a girl's overactive imagination).

Currently listening to: CCR, Fortunate Son.

innocent.

2008-05-05T18:35:00.003-04:00

don't you hate how someone can say something to you..innocently...and it can change everything.

say.

2008-04-26T23:57:00.003-04:00

i'm not a huge fan of john mayer at all...for various reasons...but i really like his latest song "say."

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

i really like those lyrics.

that's really all i had to say about this subject. i'm sleepy.

currently listening to: REM

you know a conference is near...

2008-04-25T17:53:00.001-04:00

when you're pulling 15/16/17 hour days.

i love it!

the past.

2008-04-23T00:38:00.002-04:00

for some reason, i found myself searching for some old college friends on facebook tonight. i don't know why tonight...why not a week ago, or months ago, or even a year ago?

but tonight i found myself looking at their pages...a "where are they now" kind of moment. and i'll be honest...my heart is kind of heavy. seeing their pictures remind me of me at my worst. i became a pursuer of Christ my freshman year of college. during that year, satan really attacked me and i ended up pretty much living a double life for that first year of school. i was depressed, broken and grasping at anything and everything that would validate me...anything that would "love" me....anything that would take me away from me.

i have asked for forgiveness and i feel freedom from my past...yet the memories haven't gone away. sometimes they are very much real. i don't think about it often and don't get me wrong...that year was also amazing. that was the year GOD radically pursued me. that was the year i fell in LOVE with HIM. you could call it the best and the worst year of my life. but it is a year that will forever be burned into my memory...and those people (dawnie included) will always have a place in my heart. i don't talk to any of them anymore except for dawn. the rest...we just lost touch. the guys are off doing their own thing and the other gal from our fab six is no longer speaking to me. maybe this is God's way of having me make things right with her...i don't know.

but i do know that we cannot forget our past. it is what has made us who we are today. i don't have regrets anymore...i only use those experiences as a reminder that whatever my hands can grasp onto is NOTHING in comparison of what HE offers me freely.

thanks God for reminders of how much you've restored my heart.

currently listening to: None but Jesus, Hillsong United.

working hard.

2008-04-22T14:03:00.000-04:00

we are all work and absolutely no play here at the reThink Group. getting ready for the orange conference is all that we're thinking about.

yep.

what happens when you forget your ID...

2008-04-20T01:13:00.004-04:00

friday night, the gals and i decided to check out sam thacker at Smith's Olde Bar. this is one of my favorite things...going to local shows at small bars. the atmosphere isn't really my cup of tea, but i love hearing artists before they get big. the music is slightly purer and the music much more real to me. there's something about an artist, their guitar/voice/piano, and unbridled passion that excites me.

of course, a night out with me would not be complete without me forgetting something, losing something, etc...

i forgot my license. Smith's Olde Bar is obviously 21 and over...

so this is what happens when you convince the manager to let you in without your license. note to self: don't suggest to him that he put x's on your hand...he'll take you up on it...and get great pleasure from doing so.

why?

2008-04-17T23:36:00.002-04:00

why do people think that just because you're single, you want to be set up?

and

why do people think that just because you're single, you're lonely?

i do not have these answers.

currently listening to: Lynyrd Skynyrd, Free Bird (i know, i know...i have no excuse. i love this song).

katie's blog

2008-04-16T20:30:00.002-04:00

one of the bridesmaids for dawn's wedding wrote a really great blog about one of the many themes of the weekend. i really love how she doesn't just leave it at a man's pursuit of a woman but of God's pursuit of us.

Hot Pursuit

I was a bridesmaid for the first time on the West Coast this past weekend. It was in the San Diego area, and I got to take a three day weekend in order to be there for all the festivities.
It was warm, beautiful, spiritual, joyful, laughable, graceful and probably the most fun that I can remember having in a 72 hour period.

Although weddings can be drastically different, I find that they always elicit a response. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, young or old, married or very single, it’s as if each wedding asks a question that you find yourself pondering in the days to follow. That question is innate, yet can be unique to each of us.

My question this time was: Will I let myself be pursued?

Throughout the ceremony, the toasts, the dances, and the musical improv (yes, there was improv!), I lost track of how many times the word pursue was used. At the rehearsal dinner, glasses were raised to Jeff’s constant pursuit of his bride, Dawn, even across the country. At the ceremony, Jeff stood at the microphone and promised to always pursue Dawn everyday for the rest of their lives. Journey sang about Jeff pursuing Dawn from the beginning of their “friendship”. There were countless other uses of the word pursue, and it really got me thinking every time.

Like every other girl, I want to be pursued. I want to be sought hard after, found, and loved and appreciated for who I am. As discussed in my previous post, and also at Tuesday night small group, I, like most girls, have a hard time sitting back and letting this happen.

I am a natural pursuer of people. I love trying to figure out what makes them tick, what’s special about them, what others don’t see beneath the surface that could change humanity for the better. It is my joy to ask someone questions or have a conversation with them until I see what makes their eyes light up. I will always be this way, it’s how I was made and I love it!

But sometimes I want to be the one who is pursued. I want someone to find out my quirks and stay for the next round. I want someone to be so intrigued by me that they would follow me anywhere to find out more.

I recently realized that even as a very single girl, I do have a terribly romantic life. I have a God who pursues me everyday with sunsets and light breezes. I have friends who pursue me with brunches on the porch, offering protection on a dark walk home, sending flowers on a whim, and nights on the couch with hot chocolate and an old favorite movie. I have music and poetry and dancing. Romance follows me around the streets of L.A. like smog follows a clear day.

I do still look forward to being pursued by a man. So I have to say thanks to my friend Jeff for reminding me (and all his wedding guests) that this does still happen. Thanks to my friend Dan for always telling me stories of his persistent pursuit of his lovely girlfriend. Thanks to Dawn and Lynn for showing me what it looks like to be pursued by these courageous men.

This week I would really like to have your thoughts on the pursuit. Do you feel like you have to do all the chasing? Are you tired of pursuing relationships and not being pursued back? When was the last time you felt pursued? Are you ready to be pursued?

I’ve really appreciated your honesty and openness in joining me on this adventure.

Hopeful Always,
Katie

currently listening to: Desperate People, Hillsong United

LA.

2008-04-14T23:20:00.005-04:00

where do i begin?

this past week blew me away. i had my highs and my lows...but the best thing, God changed me. i feel different. and i love that feeling. i'll have to post more on this later...but God is stirring something in my heart. something huge.

here's one of my favorite pics of the week. this was dawn and me driving down to san diego for the rehearsal. i love that girl!

off and away.

2008-04-07T00:46:00.002-04:00

this is where i'll be tomorrow night.

then it is off to one of my favorite places...san diego! last time i was there, i spent the night in a beautiful sailboat...this time will be slightly different. this time, i'll be at a resort for dawn's wedding. if you ask me, the sailboat would be just fine but i can't complain about a resort. :)

i'll try to post some pictures, but i'll be really busy getting last minute things done for dawn. besides when i'm away from home, i try to stay away from my computer and my phone (what am i saying, i'm never by my phone even at home)...but it will be extremely freeing being away from the computer and my constant email checking.

if you think about it, please pray for me. i posted earlier that dawn asked me to sing at the wedding. i have really bad stage fright and i hate having attention on me...not to be cheesy...but this is for HIM and not me...or even her...please pray that my pride will get out of the way and that He will have His way in my heart.

currently listening to: Man on the Moon, REM (one of my all-time favorite bands)

braves game.

2008-04-03T23:17:00.006-04:00

i love baseball.

tammy got four tickets to the braves game last night...they were rockin' seats! sadly i've never been that close, and i've been to plenty of games in my day.

i would post pictures but i'm a dork and forgot my camera. but...escobar hit a home run and it was about two feet away from us...so if you happened to have tivo'ed it, you can see us scrambling for our lives. haha..too much fun.

i used to be a huge fan back in the day...you remember those days?...ron gant, sid bream, terry pendleton, steve avery, david justice, otis nixon...i could go on and on. now, i look at the roster and only know like three of them. man i've been out of it...

i think i'll be going to as many games as possible this season. i have a lot of catching up to do.

currently listening to: Jesus Don't Want Me For a Sunbeam, Nirvana

21

2008-04-02T10:59:00.001-04:00

am i the only one who has not seen the movie 21 yet?

guess what.

2008-04-01T23:01:00.000-04:00

He loves me!

those faces.

2008-03-30T20:14:00.003-04:00

my heart was so happy saturday. i felt God speaking a lot to me about the future...maybe...i don't really know though...there's so much i want to do, it is hard to pick which dream to chase. He gives me too many ideas! i don't know what to do with myself!

ashley, meredith and i went to a church in marietta off of windy hill road. we were there to serve the church in whatever they needed for the day. some people did landscaping, some painted, some took trash to the dump...you get the picture. the gals and i ended up working in their new youth group room. i say group very lightly. it consists of 5 girls right now. three of them were there with us saturday. i fell in love with those girls! we spent our time cleaning out the room, painting it, jamming out, laughing...how could i not fall in love with them?

i still can't seem to get all of the paint off my arms...but i love it because it reminds me of those faces. those kids that don't have a church like mine with all the heavy production, multitudes of adult leaders, great musicians..etc. but the look on their faces as the paint was drying and the empty canvas of a room waited for inspiration, was priceless. i found myself slightly jealous. jealous of their small church... jealous of their shoe string budget because it forces them to think outside the box to make things work....of what God has in store for them...of the adventure...of the possibilities.

i was so happy serving them that day. my heart was overflowing the entire time.

and this got me thinking...

currently listening to: Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Falling Slowly

it is amazing

2008-03-27T00:35:00.003-04:00

how quiet things are at night. even roswell road, a normally crowded road full of honking horns and blaring music from car stereos finds time to rest. so why can't i?

five minutes ago, all i could think of was my warm, cozy bed. now my mind is racing, and my thoughts are on other things besides counting sheep (side note...who in the world ever came up with that being a good way to fall asleep and additionally, who in the world went along with said person to make counting sheep the phenomena that it still is today...hmmm).

i almost want to go outside and sit on our 12 x 12 square patch of grass tucked into the city and stare at the two stars you can see from here. i'll listen to the silent street and be glad others are enjoying their rest.

currently listening to: Hosanna, Hillsong United

Loud and clear.

2008-03-23T23:04:00.003-04:00

i was finishing up my reading for small group tomorrow night and God really spoke to me. God never ceases to amaze me though...i was really distracted during the study... i just couldn't focus. but...He grabbed me despite myself. Boy am I listening!

Here's a tip of the iceberg for ya...

"Our ability to accomplish the things of God has nothing to do with our own human ability. We simply cannot sustain a life of service and sacrifice in our own power. If we try, we will eventually become jaded, angry, and numb. (God please, I don't want to become numb..).

Our lives are to be poured out indiscriminately to others around us, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Sounds pretty selfless...and it is. If we let God work through us to live these radically selfless lives, then we become like a stream of living water, channeling God's Love to those in need.

Most of the time though, we feel more like dried up wells than streams of living water. Interestingly enough, we are usually busy doing good things during the dry times (dang, conviction). Despite the amount of activities we are participating in we feel completely spent and don't experience the "filling up" that God promises. Perhaps we are dry because we are doing a lot of good things but not doing the ONE "God-thing" we've been called by God to do. Consider this: God only empowers us to do the things He's call us to do."

Oh man, that hit me hard tonight. I am this person he is talking about. Even though I enjoy all of the things that I do....I am actually running away from the one thing I should be doing/developing...because i'm scared...because i lack confidence...because i'm not trusting God...not trusting that He knows what He's doing.

In the next paragraph he says something interesting...

"Maybe God is trying to get the attention of these believers and ask them, "Did I ask you to sponsor five kids, sign up for three mission trips in six months, help out three nights a week at the soup kitchen, and lead your Bible study group?" No! I invited you to do one thing -- prayerfully prepare for one mission trip. That's it. I have other people in mind for the other activities and frankly, you're in the way of THEIR opportunity to serve." We can get so caught up in doing good things that we fail to actually spend the bulk of who we are on the God things--the stuff He actually invited us to do in His power."

.....whoahhhh God. I can only handle so much. It isn't like this is a completely new concept to me...I've heard this many times before. But something is different this time.

I hear you loud and clear.

Currently listening to: How He Loves Us, Kim Walker version of course.

trying to tell me something?

2008-03-23T19:15:00.003-04:00

this weekend, my dad got me some car wax (is that what it's called?) to wax my car.

haha! was that a hint?

i drove up to tennessee yesterday to meet up with him, my step-mom, and brother. they drove down from Minnesota (eekkk) to take care of some family issues.

as i was leaving, he hands me this bottle of wax and tells me how to use it. he then gives me this grin and says that he was going to wax my car while i was there, but we ran out of time. i love him! but the question again popped into my head...is my car really that bad? i guess so.

he then laughed at me saying that he'll just do it the next time he sees me. again, was he implying something there?

dang it, he knows me well.

Barbie and Bruce.

2008-03-19T21:15:00.005-04:00

I went to the YMCA today for the first time in a few weeks...hehe...oops. So much for a routine.

Things were going great. I was watching Die Hard as I worked out. Life just couldn't get better. Until...

Barbie and her Sidekick decided to workout right beside me. They were talking rather loudly so I just turned up my earphones to get back to Bruce. Right when Bruce was yippekiyiyeeehhin', I couldn't help but hear a part of their conversation. Imagine this dialog in Valley girl of course.

Sidekick: So, are you dating Josh?
Barbie: Oh my gawhh. No, we are just talking really.
SideKick: Oh...
Barbie: Yeah, he's like really great. He's funny and good looking. We talk like everyday.
Sidekick: Oh wow! That's like amazing!
Barbie: I know! I mean, i just don't like it when he flirts with all my friends. But he's great.

....ummm....riiiight. Something tells me this guy is a winner.

It took everything in me not to look over and tell her she's worth so much more...and not because she's a beautiful girl...but because her worth isn't found in her body or her face or what she gives away sexually of herself. She has worth because of what Christ did for her. It broke my heart to think that she might not know that. She might not know that she doesn't have to kill herself trying to be something she wasn't meant to be...she might not know that God has so much more for her.

I left with a heavy heart....but grateful for the reminder that I don't have to settle for anything less than Him.

Currently listening to: Jimmy Eat World, 23

windows.

2008-03-17T18:25:00.002-04:00

drove home today with my windows down, hair up, sunglasses on, music blaring....

perfect.

(don't make fun of me for having the heat set to the floor...my feet get cold easily and i was wearing flip flops)!

:)

currently listening to: Bruce Springsteen, Radio Nowhere.

found.

2008-03-16T22:20:00.002-04:00

I will live
All my days
To worship you

This is the last part of a Hillsong United song called "Found." I was captivated the first time I heard it. It starts off soft and unassuming. Many might pass it by thinking it is predictable.

If you don't have the cd this song is on, do yourself a favor and get it. If not, check out this song on itunes. Turn it up really loud and focus on the words. It will blow you away.

Amazing love no other shall I need
Your name brings life more than the air I breathe

My life was changed when your life gave for me
My purpose found in all that you are for me

And I found myself in You
And I found myself in You

Take me to the place where I can see you face to face
All I want to do
All I want to do is worship You

Is worship You
You are worthy

I will live
All my days
To worship you

that type of day

2008-03-12T15:32:00.002-04:00

do you ever have those days where you can't seem to do anything right?

that's today for me.

i feel like i'm overlooking the obvious. doing things the long way. forgetting things i know.

arg.

i hate days like today.

should i?

2008-03-10T22:41:00.003-04:00

should i move to an island...where the best word to describe it is paradise....to teach for two years?

when else in my life can i do something crazy like that?

why not?

what about my life here? my job i really enjoy. my family. my friends. my church.

but that question keeps popping into my head...

why not?

humbled.

2008-03-08T23:11:00.002-05:00

an amazing friend sent me an email from another friend....these words weren't directed specifically at me, but man did God hit me hard with it....

"when you sing... sing from the deepest part of you
and really PROCLAIM the heartbeat of every word that is penned and every
note that is played. and keep on singing over the people. many need a
voice to sing for them b/c they don't have one. and you have been entrusted
with something precious and something that is not to be thought of lightly.
give great concern over what songs you will be bringing and as you sing,
sing boldly, sing beautifully, and sing for His great glory."

"He is worthy. He is SO worthy. and you have a platform that can
impact MANY and from where you can literally CHANGE THE VERY ATMOSPHERE in the
room and bring about a sound that is not meant for man's ear but for the
very pleasure of the King. but while He will never be impressed with how
well we DO anything or sing that note, He will pour out onto His people His
presence and message as the overflow of His heart.

don't hold back, my friend.

and get in there with God and just follow His leading.
never lose heart.
and WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IT ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD."

yikes!

2008-03-05T22:30:00.002-05:00

dawn asked me to sing Hosanna at her wedding in a month.

.......
.......
.......

ummm...

have i mentioned that i have a major case of stage fright?

yeah.

i'm highly upset.

2008-03-04T14:30:00.003-05:00

everyone knows that avocados are high in fat. this is common knowledge. it is the good fat but fat nonetheless. a couple of years ago, i became obsessed with them! i eat them all the time...i'll put them in my salad. i'll make guacamole. i'll even just cut one right down the middle and eat it with a spoon. strange? maybe...but i don't care.

so...this has all been compromised for me....

at work yesterday, i decided to have a late afternoon snack of a perfectly ripe, beautiful, marvelous avocado. Alex, who works with me, scrunches up his face and says something along the lines of "eww, those are so high in fat!" this didn't bother me. i would not be deterred...on i ate.

it wasn't until a few minutes later that i decided to google exactly how much fat one of my scrumptious little avocados would contain.

31 grams of fat in an average, medium sized avocado!

WHAT!!!!????!!!!!?????

i am heartbroken. that just seems a little excessive don't you think? I mean....31 grams? i'm not a health nut but that's crazy. I'd rather have a big, fat Big Mac...not that i eat those...but still, that's not the point.

anyway, i'm pretty sure this will pass...besides, i ate one with my lunch today...hehe.

fires, hanging out in trees...very tall trees, and new friends

2008-03-03T22:47:00.007-05:00

i'm slightly too tired to go into too much detail, but Camp Highland with the 7|22 team was such an amazing time. we had some great God time, i met some amazing new people, and i got to test myself on the high ropes...
let's just say that my arms are still killing me from holding on for dear life!

we had two camp fires going and made a zillion smores. the fact that it was so crazy cold made the fires that much more inviting...but camp fires have got to be one of the best things in the world! a few of us stood around talking by the fire until about 1:30am. i could have gone longer but they couldn't hang anymore. buzz kills. ;)

here's a pic of the camp dog mattie...i think that was her name. she was too sweet...i just couldn't pass up posting this picture. you think they'd notice if i went back up there and brought her home with me? ;)

all in all...we had such an amazing time...i still haven't caught up on my sleep from it so i am out!

confession.

2008-02-24T19:55:00.002-05:00

some things got stirred up in me today..things i thought i've dealt with.

i realized something about myself last week that scared me...and then i lived this week as if nothing changed.
that scared me even more. do you do this? am i the only one?

but...
there are some things from my past that are still haunting me...i cannot deny it any longer.

i don't think about these things everyday...and honestly, i thought i had moved passed them...
until i was forced to really face them today...and i realized i still held onto some of that junk....that junk that robbed me of so much.

it took everything in me not to ball my eyes out in a room full of people today. now that takes a lot...(my sister can tell you this). i cry very easily...i don't apologize about that. God made me an emotional/sensitive person. i'm just fine with that....beats being callused/jaded.

but i'm aware now of the hurt that i've been holding onto..the hurt that has been stuffed down...i'm aware now the consequences in my life from holding onto that hurt and not allowing God to take it. i'm aware now of the people i've hurt because of that.

so, i guess this really hasn't been a confession since you have no idea what i'm talking about.
honestly, i'm pretty much an open book and have no problem sharing with all you wonderful people...but some things are better left unsaid in an open setting such as this.

so...there's my confession/non-confession for all three of you who read. ;)

hittin the road..

2008-02-21T22:18:00.002-05:00

ok, so i won't be going very far. but some great gals and i will be in the mountains this weekend. i cannot wait. i love getting out of the city and soaking up nature! i really need it right now. i love the clear air, the smell of the trees, the animals, the smell of firewood, hiking around...adventures! i really could go on. i wish i could go right this second!

anyway..all this to say, i'll try to take some pics and post them, but i should be out of commission for a little bit. i'm leaving my computer...i'm not going to answer my phone (what's new?)...just me, the gals, God, and the critters. ;)

hmmm...

2008-02-20T23:12:00.005-05:00

i got a hair cut.

i'm not quite sure how i feel...

check out my rockin lumberjack shirt. haha..sorry i had to give it props. it is pretty much my favorite shirt right now. well, next to my hoodies of course. ;)

full.

2008-02-19T23:50:00.003-05:00

i feel really full right now.

i have been going through a dry season...for some reason, so many of us are afraid to talk about this type of season in our life. but you know, i'm tired of being afraid to talk about the hard things...the things that might expose our speckled hearts.

but still i've been feeling like i am missing something huge. i feel like i have access to the God of the Universe (which i do) and i'm just asking Him for directions to my neighbor's house instead of galaxies.

but tonight i feel the winds have shifted. i just cannot stop thinking about how much HE loves me...you...us. i just cannot stop thinking about how everyday...in everything...HE pursues me like a madman!

wild isn't it?

I've been tagged. What's a gal to do?

2008-02-18T00:13:00.005-05:00

For your entertainment, here are 10 random facts about me. It was too hard to figure out which ones to use. Of course, I now have to figure out a blog title since Jerry called me out on it. Dang it! I was hoping i could get away with it a bit longer.

i have an odd obsession with hoddies. I don't know what it is about them. They are my comfort clothing...some people have sweat pants. i have hoodies.

i was studying anthropology in college and was wanting to be an archaeologist. Then God grabbed ahold of my heart and i felt He had other plans for me. Man, I could be somewhere rockin right now playin in the mud.

As a kid, one of my favorite things to do was hang out in my dad's "shop" and help him work. We did anything from repack wheel bearings, change his oil, paint and fix his motorcycle's trailer, make tables and chairs and picture frames...etc. Now did i really learn how to do any of that? Not really. I just wanted to hang out with my dad. and I loved the smell of his shop.

I think i have ADD...or is it ADHD? What's the difference? Who knows. I don't feel like looking it up.

I am the furthest away from being a detail oriented person. I would be a horrible eye witness. But, I think i have selective detail orientation because sometimes i can describe things down to the t. odd...very odd.

I used to play baseball with the neighborhood boys in the church parking lot when i was in 5th through 8th grade. I got really mad when I tried to sign up to play baseball and they told me girls had to play softball. I had a hard time getting used to that stupid grapefruit ball. I only played two more years. I hated softball.

My love language is quality time so if you don't wanna hang out with me, I don't think you care about me. I think this makes complete sense. You care about someone, don't you want to be around them? It isn't rocket science.

I've been writing songs since I can remember. I have a billion notebooks full of half songs, quarter songs, one lines, whole songs...etc. Many are just ideas. When I sit down and try to make sense of my notebooks, it is slightly overwhelming. It is too much....also, i hate writing with capital letters. the main time i do write properly is for work.

I am the least organized person you'll ever meet. I just got a planner and it is driving me crazy to put things in it. Can't I decide to do something last minute any more? No, because all of you uber-organized freaks get incredibly annoyed with me!

I am really bad with crowds of people, but I love to get to know people one on one or in a small group. Anything over a group of five or so puts me in introvert mode. i hate being noticed in a large group of people. i get all self-conscious and say stupid things. that happens a lot anyway. sometimes i just blurt things out without thinking. oops.

i think something is wrong with me...

2008-02-16T16:15:00.003-05:00

i was at the mall this afternoon...let me just say that i'm not a huge fan of the mall for multiple reasons...

but none the less, i am on the hunt for "the perfect dress." i need it for the rehearsal dinner for Dawn's wedding. and so the hunt began...

as i was looking around the stores, my heart felt very dissatisfied. i found myself wanting everything i saw and even found myself wishing i had more money to be able to afford the cloths i really want to wear.

now i must pause here and let you in on a little something about me...i'm not one of those people that says they just enjoy the "finer things in life" as an excuse to purchase ridiculously overpriced things. i'm almost the opposite of that. i guess growing up with parents that were living paycheck to paycheck kinda teaches you that there's more to life than said "finer things." at an early age, i learned that happiness and love could not be found in those things. and even though i didn't grow up in a God-honoring home either, i learned that those things would never satisfy.

so, back to the mall...

as i was looking at these beautiful dresses, all i could think about were the people in africa i met...each item of clothing represented a child starving...and with each thoughtless purchase, i was allowing that to happen.

i was about to buy a dress that cost more than they made in a year...yes, a year...and i had to ask myself, "why am i looking for a dress to buy when i have plenty at home that i never wear?"

the mall became this bottomless pit full of things that don't matter...just things...

africa is a continent full of people that do matter.

I put the dress down...

and walked out.

consume delight

2008-02-15T00:32:00.002-05:00

When your words came, I ate them;
they were my joy and my heart's delight...
Jeremiah 15:16

The first time I read this verse, it was like the wind was taken out of me. i stopped in my tracks...

the NLT version says this...

When I discovered your words, I devoured them.
They are my joy and my heart’s delight,

beautiful.
absolutely beautiful.

sick.

2008-02-10T22:54:00.000-05:00

i hate being sick. i should have known this was coming. i hardly ever get sick and last week i told someone that. Some might say i jinxed myself. I don't think there's such a thing. I do believe in something much bigger...God's sense of humor. He has a way of humbling me. Just like if you tell people you never get caught speeding. You can expect a ticket the next day.

So...back to being sick. i have a thing with medicine...i don't take it. I have a thing with doctors..i don't like them when they try to fill me up with pills instead of telling me to wait it out. (don't get me going on that..).

i've been drinking a lot of herbal tea, oj, and good ole h2o. That should do the trick. i should be back in business in no time.

God of This City

2008-02-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the millions of children, women and even men held captive in sex slavery. This doesn't just include slaves in far away lands such as Thailand...this includes people in your city. Right now..in this very moment...there more than likely is someone being held captive right down the street from you. If you live in the city...it could be right down the block. Don't believe me? Look into it. You'll be shocked.

There's a new song out called God of This City. When I first heard it, I had no idea that this song was written under the circumstances that it was.

I really felt that I had to share this..here are a few lines from an interview with the writer of the song. He and his band were in Thailand playing shows and visiting orphanages among other things. They ended up playing a two hour set in a strip club/brothel.

"I ask Aaron about the song and as he recalls the circumstances his voice breaks and he begins to cry, still moved by the events he's describing...in that small area there are 30,000 prostitutes and that figure excludes kids and excludes anything that's outside of the range of, say 18-30, and who are female. You probably hear of ladyboys and all those kinds of things? It's got a ladyboy community and all this kind of stuff, and 90 or 95 percent of Thailand's income comes from the sex industry."

"There was a bar called The Climax Bar - on a street that's about 10 metres wide, it's a kilometre long and it's filled with everything you can physically imagine. And I promise you, as a red-blooded male, to keep your head in the right place you've got to look down at the ground and walk down that street and pray because it is just so in your face. People hit you with menus about everything, flashing lights, just everything you can imagine goes on in that place. You see kids as young as eight, nine, 10, just selling themselves, you know?! You see 60-year-old guys walking down the street with two 13 or 14-year-old girls. Forget about the Christian thing, you just get raging! You properly get raging when you see that happening, you know?!"

He pauses to compose himself and continues, "But we got the chance to play in this bar, a two-hour worship set in this bar. I don't think the people in the bar spoke a word of English but we basically got to go in."

"At one point I just started singing out. I started singing "Greater Things", something along those lines, almost prophesying over the city. And without going into the band dynamics, slowly this groove emerged from this thing."

God of this City (Greater Things)

You’re the God of this city
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You are

You’re the light in this darkness
You’re the hope to the hopeless
You’re the peace to the restless
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

You’re the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You’re the King above all Kings
You are

You’re the strength in our weakness
You’re the love to the broken
You’re the joy in the sadness
You are

For there is no-one like our God
There is no-one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things have still to be done here

More about Hollywood

2008-02-05T23:12:00.001-05:00

As i mentioned in my last blog, there really is too much to blog about..i don't know where to begin. But...here are a few highlights

I ended up being just a few feet away from Chili from TLC and James Marsden (X-Men, 27 Dresses, The Notebook, etc) in the airport. James ran into Chili and hung out with her while she was waiting for her luggage. She was on my flight. She was teaching him some dance moves...he's a really bad dancer..trust me. But he just looked like a regular joe. All stars are just that. I don't see what the big deal is.

Then at a rockin Brazilian restaurant in Los Feliz, i saw Giovanni Ribisi. What i liked best about seeing Giovanni, was that the girl he was with (who i definitely think was his girlfriend) was very "normal" looking. She wasn't some hot mama model or overly dressed actress type. She just looked like a normal girl. That made me like him more than i already do...

Anyway, enough about stars.

Dawn took me to Santa Monica on Sunday instead of watching the first part of the Superbowl. Please believe that was just fine to me. Beach? A bunch of sweaty, gross men chasing a ball around while millions act afool thinking they are gods? Hmmm...tough call..
We actually were gonna miss it completely and head over to Moasic (her church...Erwin McMannis rocks my world!) ...but we decided that hanging out with her family for Superbowl might be more God-honoring.

When we got to her brother's place in Los Feliz, they were completely into the game (we got there for the 4th quarter). Now imagine this scene...
Dawn's family are New Yorker Italians. They look and act the part. They are amazing! So, we walk in to yelling and screaming at the tv...

I've gotta say, I had a blast watching it with them. I don't think i've ever had so much fun at a Superbowl party. They were so into it. Which kinda shocked me since her two older brothers are artsy filmmakers...not at all the type i'd of pegged as football fans..but whatever.

Too much fun.

At the shower, Dawn's brothers served us drinks and brunch. I kept catching them trying to come up with ways to ruin Dawn's shower...throwing her presents into the pool in the backyard, eating all of the cupcakes, "accidentally" starting a food fight...I found myself encouraging their mischievous ways...don't tell Dawn on me. ;)

So, Dawnie and I ended up having a blast together...staying up late talking and drinking tea...laughing and crying..praying and laughing some more. I don't deserve friends like her. I am grateful.

I miss LA already!

2008-02-04T22:01:00.001-05:00

I don't even know where to begin about my weekend in LA. Each time I visit, I fall in love with that city more and more.

I have so much to post...and i'm really, really, really (did i say really?) tired. So, you'll just have to wait. ;)

Here are a few pictures to hold you over for a bit.

slowly but surely..

2008-02-01T22:04:00.000-05:00

I am such a girl..

2008-02-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

I hate to admit this but when it comes to cars, I am such a girl.

My tire decided that it would no longer take my abuse and conked out on me today on 400 North.

Now I've changed tires before...with a guy helping me...and it is really easy. But every time that i've tried on my own, I can't get the lug nuts off! If it weren't for those blasted things, I'd be golden.

Anyway, i'll spare the details..but my car, Junior is very glad she finally has new shoes. She looks beautiful (and yes my car is named Junior and she's a girl...).

I had a great time chatting with the guys at the tire place. They are really cool!

So, the moral of this story..i need to be better about my car. I knew this was coming...i was just putting it off.

If i ever get married, taking care of the cars will definitely be my husband's job.

There's no way!

2008-01-31T22:57:00.000-05:00

i missed LOST! WHAT?

Yes, you heard me correctly.

Somehow, I allowed the busyness of the real world...and responsibilities... take me away from the fantasy world of my favorite show.

Don't worry...it will not happen again.

Good news though. I know my mom has it recorded...so that gives me an excuse to go visit. (not like i need one).
We'll probably end up talking about Sawyer the whole time anyway... ;)

You make us brave.

2008-01-30T00:24:00.000-05:00

i'm not very brave.
Well...sometimes i am.

This is a line in a Charlie Hall song that i love...

"You fight for us, You make us brave."

Erica and I were jamming in my car tonight after 7|22. We sometimes throw on a worship cd and just driving around...not going anywhere in particular....and worship God. It is one of my most favorite things to do. This song really hit me tonight. My prayer is to be braver...if you really think about it, we have nothing to lose.

"You’re closer than our troubles
More present than any danger

More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God"

--

On another note...i'm sitting here listening to the rain. it is coming down really hard.

it is beautiful.

65

2008-01-29T16:06:00.001-05:00

It is 65 degrees outside right now.

That makes me happy!

change

2008-01-28T23:14:00.001-05:00

one of my dearest college friends is getting married in april. she's one of the most amazing woman of God that i've met. i've grown so much just from knowing her...her love for the Lord and life inspires me. God used her that freshman year in college to break down the dead bolted door to my heart. He used her to light my way right into His grace. for that we will forever be connected...no matter how far away from each other we are geographically.

we saw each other at our worst...through breakups...heartache...hardship..family craziness..life-altering decisions...God wrecking our lives...molding...more heartache...
she saw me through living a life completely dishonoring to God...and loved me anyway. she saw me living a double life...and loved me even more. that's when the love of Christ became real to me. that's when i finally got it.

i've been thinking a lot about how things will change once she gets married...especially since it is becoming more and more real with each passing day. when i come to visit, our time won't be our own...when she visits here during Christmas, he'll come with her. there will be some things lost...but please don't get me wrong. i wouldn't have it any other way. he is an amazing man of God. i am so excited about their marriage and cannot wait to have him in my family...even though not technically.

things will just be different.

but different is good. just like when she moved to LA. i thought our friendship would take a huge blow...but it didn't. it grew stronger. and now, God has honored me with being her maid of honor at her wedding. i've never been so honored.

i'll be there this weekend...helping with some wedding stuff. i cannot wait.

is it Saturday yet?

Bad day turned around.

2008-01-27T22:21:00.001-05:00

i took a nap today after church. i must have been really tired...i never take naps. my mom told me that when i was a kid, she'd never get me to bed. i was afraid of missing out on something. funny. i think i'm the same today.

but this now means that i'll be wide awake tonight until about three or four. i'm thinking more towards four. i hate when that happens.

but i had a really great night tonight. i met some really interesting people and made some new friends. i'm always up for that! But the few people that i got to really talk with tonight didn't make me feel like something was wrong with me. do you ever get that? like you meet people for the first time and you feel like your personality, humor, style, etc is on display for judgement...and you feel what they are thinking by they way they talk to you. i get it all the time...maybe it is just me. but tonight i didn't feel that way. the great conversations that i had, i ended up feeling like they weren't looking at me to dissect me...but looking at me to just hear what i had to say...and i them. it was refreshing. i think preconceived notions about someone jade most conversations...and starts things off on the wrong foot. it actually happens to me all the time...which makes me wonder. haha.

but i was definitely out of my comfort zone tonight...but it ended up working out. i almost bailed and stayed in my warm bed but i had committed to something and i couldn't back out. (i hate when people do that to me...).

all this to say, i'm just rambling...and really have nothing of substance to say....other than, i had a really bad day today, but some really great people tonight turned that around for me.

Cracker Barrel!

2008-01-26T22:51:00.000-05:00

Man, I love this place! And I love that I just spent my Saturday night with some amazing folks at one of my favorite places. :)

Yes, I'm lame. I know this.

Forget what you came for?

2008-01-25T23:13:00.001-05:00

I got together with some friends tonight and made tacos and cookies. :) I love cooking with friends....

After dinner, we decided to watch "Chocolat." I hadn't seen it since it was in the theaters back in 2000. All I remember from watching it then was that I left the theater inspired. So, I really looked forward to that feeling again tonight.

But I ended up feeling something slightly different when I left my friend's house...

For those who haven't seen the movie (I recommend that you run out to your friendly video store or get it on netflix), the movie is about a woman who comes into a repressed (for a lack of a better word) town set in 1950s France. This town is subdued by the notion that in order to worship the Lord, they must deny themselves of almost anything that brings pleasure and/or joy. These things were not found easily in this town. These people were empty. This woman...just through her presence...changed everything.

Halfway through the movie...watching piety at its finest...i felt that this woman represented Christ more through her love of the town's people than the religious authority stifling the people. Her heart was to see the people live life to the fullest...create, dance, sing, love, laugh, cry...Live!

I want to be someone that breathes life into others. That's what Christ did when He roamed the earth...so why wouldn't His followers do the same? Why would we bog ourselves down with do's and don'ts? Why does there have to be formulas? And equations of how life is to be lived? Last time I checked, God made me much different than He made you...with a different purpose...and different role. Why do I have to live like you do? And conversely, why would you have to live like me? Why do we have to follow the rules just for the sake of following the rules? Didn't Christ break rules? He was the biggest rebel of His time and i absolutely LOVE that about Him!

Now, I must change gears for a minute and address all of you rule followers. Don't get me wrong...I'm huge on authority...and respecting that...but...BUT...I'm not talking blasphemy here. I do believe that Christ followers are called to live holy lives...we are called to sacrifice and have self control...in some areas. But not in living...truly living. Not in dreaming. Not in loving others. We are called to live with and without abandon.

So let me ask you this question. Have you forgotten about that thirst? Is your forgetfulness just creating noise for others? Are you a loud gong? Or...

Or, is God using you to bring life to others? If the answer is no, I can tell you with 100% certanity that He wants to do that through you. If you let Him, you'll never be the same.

i love my job and other such craziness.

2008-01-23T23:35:00.000-05:00

reason #954 for loving my job:

I get a membership to the YMCA that is walking distance from our "office" in Vickery. I say office quite loosely...We work out of a condo and I sit on a couch with my lap top with the fire 'ablazin. Life is rough. (I praise Him everyday...He is too good to me)!

Today my boss Jen and I went to the Y after work to do a step class. Two things I realized...I'm out of shape (more on that later) and I'm not as fast as I used to be at picking things up. This has made me rethink my idea of taking a Hip Hop class. That could turn into a disaster...hmmm.

In other news...rather late last night I got home after hanging with some friends after 7|22. Lately my gate remote aka clicker, has been acting crazy-like. This normally isn't too much trouble since the gate is open 90% of the time anyway (gates are a false sense of security anyway...). Well, it decides to not be a friend and work for me. Dang...so, i realize that i would have to call my roomie and wake her up to let me in the gate. So i give her a call. Mid-ring, my remote decides it would be nice and it opens. I hang up the call box calling Autumn..

Cut to about an hour ago less than 24 hours later...Autumn comes to my bedroom door and asked about the phone call she received late last night from the gate. I tell her the story...this is her response...

"So, let me ask you a question, kelli. why didn't you just call yourself and let yourself in?"

ummmmmmmmm, yeah.

Because that would make sense....that's why i didn't do it.

Sometimes I wonder where my head is...

;)

99x

2008-01-22T10:55:00.000-05:00

I am mourning today. Mourning the loss of 99x. They lied to us.

I thought Q100 didn't take over until Friday. But no! Much to my dismay this morning, I heard the Bert Show on 99.7 FM. They jumped the gun.

This is not cool.

I remember sitting in my sister's bedroom staring at the radio when they went from Power 99 to 99X. Good times...good times.

Where am I gonna listen to good rock music? Where?!

Craziness in the Kitchen

2008-01-21T00:23:00.001-05:00

The kitchen is a hot mess right now. It actually has been quite the adventure trying to figure out which dishes to use that aren't covered in dust. The most interesting part to me is finding all of the 70s and 60ish wallpaper that was hidden by the cabinets. There were some happenin' people living here back in the day.

I look forward to the next project Autumn has up her sleeve.

Having the dishwasher back where it belongs (up and running that is) will be the excitement of the month. :)

Enough?

2008-01-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

How I live sometimes communicates that I believe that there is something bigger and better than Jesus.

Some of it comes out of fear. Some of it comes out of insecurity. But why am I insecure in my relationship with Christ? Of all the relationships in my life, that is the one I should have complete confidence in His love and grace towards me. What about fear? Fear tells Him that He isn't enough for me. But He is. He is enough. He's enough for my brokeness...for my heartache...for my joy...for my tears....for my laughter. He is the love of my life! He is it! Why do I live like He isn't?

I think one of the biggest lies of satan is that Christ isn't enough...that there is something more out there (money, spouse, fame, etc) that we need. I don't need any of that. I need Him. I want Him.

My prayer is that I'll live a life that amplifies His name through my satisfaction in His love.

As I heard John Piper say once, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."

What to do?

2008-01-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

Church is closed tomorrow. What am I gonna do with my time? Oh the possibilities!

I have a feeling I'll be bored. If I stay in the house all day, I'll start to get stir crazy.

Hmm...maybe I'll go see Cloverfield again! Yes! That's a great plan!

cloverfield

2008-01-19T01:21:00.000-05:00

you must go see it.

in fact, leave right now. turn off your computer, gather your friends, and run to the nearest theater.

trust me. you won't be disappointed.

ps. be sure to go with people who won't make fun of you for screaming or developing a nervous twitch throughout the entire movie.

Snow!

2008-01-16T23:31:00.001-05:00

So I'm not a huge fan of cold weather. But if it is gonna be cold, it might as well snow. Nothing like a good ole snowball fight!

Autumn and I ran around outside for a bit taking pictures and throwing snowballs...let's just say she kicked my butt because I was holding back! ;) (yeah, that's my story)

obsession

2008-01-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

Have you heard this David Crowder song? It is an oldie. Something about it grabs me and won't let go.

I highly recommend either buying the entire cd or getting this one off of itunes. When you listen though, make sure you're alone with no distractions. I like to lay on the floor in my bedroom in the dark. (is that strange?)

God will completely reign in that moment. There's this one part towards the end where the music swells and you'll want to burst! I wish I could feel like that all the time....so full of His love.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being
Is it the wind that moves the trees?
Sometimes You're further than the moon
Sometimes You're closer than my skin
And You surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

Chorus:
And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns...for You

saipan

2008-01-13T00:18:00.000-05:00

one of my dearest friends, hyun jae, grew up on this amazing island. it is a US commonwealth...frankly, i had never heard of it until i met her back in 2002...let alone know it was a commonwealth. shows what amazing education this great state has given me. ;) but, imagine growing up in paradise...an island of only 12 by 5 miles. how amazing!

since she moved back there and then back to korea for law school, we haven't been able to talk as much. she sent me a text tonight that made me feel like she was down the road...like we were deciding where to meet tonight. it felt like home.

sometimes God takes people we love out of our lives...for what reason, i'm not quite sure. but i do know that He provides us with what we need to live without them. when she left and we were hugging her goodbye from the airport, i thought that i would never see her again. i pray that's not what happens, but if it is, i trust that God has a purpose in that.

i praise Him for my friends...for those in far away places...to the one sitting on the couch beside me right now.

He is so good to me!

lame.

2008-01-09T22:42:00.000-05:00

i went to bed last night at about 9pm...i didn't wake up until 8:30am. haha! oops.

that pretty much means that i hit the snooze button for an hour. I don't remember ever hearing it go off.

i need to get a louder alarm clock.

in more exciting news, i booked my ticket to LA for the first weekend in February. sad that i'll only be there for 3 days, but glad i can be there for one of my greatest friend's bridal shower. one of the perks of it being that weekend is i don't have to deal with crazy football fanatics for superbowl like i would here. don't get me wrong...i enjoy a good game here and there. but the fanatics ruin it for me. something about a man dressed in full paint screaming at the top of his lungs, worshiping a game, leaves a slight bad taste in my mouth. hey, i'm all about it if he (or she) worships the Lord with the same amount of body paint...(minus the profanity of course). ;)

So, i guess my day didn't turn out too lame today. i got a lot of sleep last night, booked a plane ticket to see my amazing friend dawn, and now i'm writing you good people...(the one or two of you who actually read...one being a family member).

i'm going to bed...i plan on getting another ridiculous amount of sleep tonight.