plans.

i've never been much of a planner. never have been. i've always liked to see where things would take me...just kinda float with the wind (as the cliche says)

when i was in college, a good friend of mine had a five year plan that looked a little something like this:

year 1 - get internship with local marketing firm
year 2 - graduate college/find job at above marketing firm
year 3 - get engaged
year 4 - get married
year 5- move to suburbs/get dog/get promotion/live happily ever after

i remember seeing her plan and wanting to laugh out loud. what was she thinking? you can't plan your life like that. i wanted to ask...what if you didn't get engaged? what if you lost that internship? what if? what if? what if?

there are too many variables in our lives to make such a plan and then to expect life to follow it. who are we to think like this?

but i think where i've gone wrong is to expect nothing. i almost expect things to fall into my lap...
what kind of life is that? no responsibility...."that's just where the wind blew."

so i'm thinking i might start making plans...thinking about the future. nothing set in stone. nothing to cry over if God leads me through another way....

but something more than just waiting for the next wind to take me through.


listening to: the swell season::this low

home.

one of my best friends from high school is having a baby next month. i got to go home after church today for her shower and i'll have to admit, i was a little nervous.

i haven't kept up with my friends from back home as well as i should have. and if i'm honest...i really regret that.

when i think back to my high school days..and i really think about who they were to me i realize they were more to me than just friends. they were family.

i walked into two homes today...one i spent a lot of time in and another that was practically my second home. everywhere i looked held a memory....
the kitchen were we'd spend hours dancing at parties when her parents were out of town....the driveway where i drank my first alcoholic drink...the bench i practically broke my toe on after a few more of those firsts drinks...yikes.

the list goes on.

katie was one of the best friends i've ever had. she was always there for me. and even though our lives drifted from each other, being around her and her family feels like home to me.

the geography of a place can hold memories. but the people make it home. i'm grateful for roots.

love.

erased.

sometimes i think my emotions think they are bipolar. this doesn't come as such a huge shock to me since we are talking about me here. i'm an emotional girl. i admit it. i'm slightly sensitive too. what can i say? i don't mind it. i can't change it. so i just go with it.

but one minute, i'm laughing so hard i'm crying and the next i'm crying different tears. when in the world will this end?

i guess everyday i realize a little bit of me keeps getting erased. and i know that doesn't make sense to the 1 or 2 of you reading this. and it shouldn't....

but have you ever felt like you've been erased by people you love?

it is probably one of the worst feelings in the world.

it is out of your control...there's nothing you can do about it...it is like you're watching it happen in a badly acted melodrama and the whole time you're powerless to stop it.

there's no bow for this post....except to say. God is good..God is faithful...and i'm trusting that He is working this all for His glory.

love.

anywhere but here.

i really need to get out of town.

a vacation. i can't remember the last vacation i took...seriously..let me think.

nope..can't remember.

where to go? the beach. one of my favorite places in the world. yes, please.

but more than that...i want to go everywhere...europe, asia, africa, the middle east, islands, australia...the list really goes on and on. i want to go everywhere!

how do i make this happen?

love.

wedding.

mandy's wedding was sunday.

she was absolutely stunning. it was such a wonderful night..seriously. it is a beautiful thing to watch two people promise to honor and love one another for the rest of their lives...it was an honor to stand up with her and celebrate that commitment.


i've always had a slight resistance towards marriage. sure i'd like to get married...someday. but that "someday" seems so out of reach. and i don't mean that in a "i'll always be single..no body loves me" kind of way. i mean that in a literal since. i still feel like a kid half the time...and kids shouldn't get married, right?

joking aside....

i've witnessed few marriages that seem to have a glimmer of something i hope to one day have. i've seen too many marriages consist of broken dreams, settling and miserable people. who wants that? not me.

i've seen husbands ignore their wives...wives nag their husbands. i've seen lack of love and respect. i've seen adultery first hand. i've seen divorce papers and courthouses.

i've seen broken noses and bruises.

what has become of such a sacred thing?
what have we done? what have i done?

i hope to one day get over my phobia of marriage. i hope to one day realize that yes, people always will change...that's life. but they don't always have to change for the worse. people don't always leave....they don't always turn into someone you don't recognize anymore...they don't always lie, hurt and cheat.

people can love. and sacrifice. and fight for what is true.

yes, people can change...but you can change with them.

love.

friend.

"timing is everything"...that's how the saying goes right?

i believe God has all of time in His realm...in His front pocket...on the tip of His tongue. His timing is perfect. He's never late and it is always well thought out. He knows exactly when we need to hear something...that is, if our ears are open...

i was sitting on my couch this evening reading the latest cover story in Relevant magazine about Bear Grylls. for those of you who do not know, Bear has his own adventure reality show on The Discovery Channel called Man vs. Wild.

he gets thrown into situations where he must survive in the wild alone. it is ridiculous and i love it.

i didn't get too far into the article when I had one of those timing moments. the day had been hard, and i really just wanted to go to bed and escape the day. but i randomly picked up the magazine that i had already read most of...

in an interview with Bear, this is what He said:

"i remember having one moment when some really good friends turned their back on me in a really nasty way. and i remember praying a simple prayer up a tree one evening and saying, 'God, if you're like i knew you as a kid, would you be that friend again?"

this hit me so hard tonight and brought me to tears (shocker). slowly over time, i believe i've put too much of my affections and heart into my friendships. don't get me wrong, friendships are gifts from God and should be cherished...however, i believe they had become an idol in my life. they were my crutch.

i didn't have many quiet moments...i was so wrapped up in having to constantly be with them....to never be alone (as if being alone is bad).

i can't begin to understand God's purpose and reasoning into this season of my life, but the only thing that brings me comfort is that He wants me to call Him my best friend...and no one else. He wasn't my best friend...plan and simple. but what He allowed to happen in my life made me face that simple fact.

He wants me to come to Him first when i'm weary and tired...not to anyone else.

He wants me to give up random nights to just hang out with Him...and not just fill another night with friends.

He wants all of me...and as Holy and Sovereign and Worthy of so much more of me....He wants my friendship.

these past three or four months have been some of the hardest....my whole world has been pulled up from underneath me.

But He has never left...and as I have found myself go from always completely surrounded to suddenly almost completely alone, i realize that He was my best friend all along...all i had to do was stop reaching for second best to Him.

love.

long way home

today was an interesting day with a range of emotions all packed in a 24 hour period.

i went from feeling frustrated and tired to appreciated and encouraged. i went from joyful and humbled to rejected and attacked.

don't you hate when that happens? it's almost as if you can visualize the battle going on for your emotions.

after a very long day, i found myself driving home after church (www.passioncitychurch.org). i left in such a defeat that i was just driving on autopilot. about halfway home, i realized that i took the extremely long way home. i could have been home 30 minutes earlier if i had just paid attention.

i think this is my spiritual life right now...i'm on autopilot. sure, i'll have great moments with God...but i'm just letting the car take me where it wants to go. i'm not taking my responsibility seriously of taking the wheel (carrie underwood would be ashamed of me for saying this..). But, I'm not being proactive.

honestly, i'm too tired right now to complete even where i'm going with this...i could just save this as a draft and finish it later...but i wanted to share.

random unfinished thoughts..

love.

currently listening to : hillsong, with everything