complicated

when did my life become so complicated?


currently listening to: mat kearney

something beautiful.

isn't it strange the affect beautiful things have on us?

i was driving towards the sunset tonight...just running a few errands (hello, blockbuster for the next Heroes disc!)

my mind was racing, and i found myself lost in my thoughts. here i was...in the normal. in the mundane. and then there it was...

something beautiful.

the sunset seemed to pause in time waiting for me to open my eyes to its existence. it has always been there..and until God is done with this earth, it will continue to be there...there's always a sunset somewhere, right? sometimes we just miss it.

but for just a brief moment...my mind cleared and it all drifted away. beauty...real beauty...has a way of doing that, doesn't it?

i've been missing the sunsets lately...and not just the physical ones. i've been so consumed with my mess that i've ignored the beauty that God has placed in my life...

sometimes, i think He makes the sunset that much more spectacular just for me...

you know, i wouldn't put it past Him.

currently listening to: fiona apple

twilight

i think twilight is my favorite time of the day. there's a feel in the air that i can't quite explain. it just makes me happy. i know this might seem strange, but i feel closer to God at those times. it only last a little while though. you don't have much time to enjoy it. it isn't like the morning or the afternoon which both last for hours. Twilight isn't like that. Twilight lasts just a few moments...and then the night comes.

i think i'll go outside and enjoy the last few moments of it tonight.

selfish

a lot has been going on in my heart lately.

i've realized a few things about myself...

i've made a few decisions lately that i thought defined who i've become. i thought one mistake...or one line of thinking...completely changed my identity into something that i never thought i could be. and for the past few weeks, i've been acting like those mistakes made me a horrible person...that i wasn't worthy of God's love...that somehow i was now on the other side...somehow i was on the other side of grace.

but i now know that's not true.

i've become an extremely selfish person. and pridefully i didn't think i was. but, isn't that how it works? the minute you don't think you're selfish is the minute you are.

my selfishness gave me entitlement.
my selfishness dominated my actions.
my selfishness separated me from God.
my selfishness revealed my ugly heart.
my selfishness broke my heart.

and worst of all, my selfishness does more than just effect me. worst of all, my selfishness hurts others.

i don't want to be this person. i want to live for others...and not for myself.

i want to love people more than myself...to really love them.

forgive me if you've felt the weight of my selfishness. i wasn't thinking of you...only myself.

i'll be honest

i haven't been hanging out with God.

in fact

i've been flat out ignoring Him.

i have access to the God of the universe...the one who brings life and love into the world...who breathes air into my lungs..who has saved me from myself time and time again. yeah, that God. i've been ignoring Him. when i really think about it, i want to slap myself....yell at myself: "wake up!"

but in typical kelli fashion, i run when i'm scared.
i'm scared of what He thinks of me...what He's disappointed in...what He wants me to do...and so

i run.

but i love Him so much. He keeps popping in my mind. i can't run too far...He's always there. i LOVE that about Him! He never gives up on me...He never lets go...i push and push Him away and still He pursues me. still He choses me. still He can't get enough of me. who is this God? who is He that He thinks of me this way? after all i have done and all i will do in the future that breaks His heart.

God, help me to stop breaking your heart....

my life has been far from glorifying...but that's no reason to give up.

i won't try harder...because it has nothing to do with me. it isn't how hard i can try to be the woman of God i want to be. it is how much i allow Him to shine through my mess. the mess i create everyday by not believing Him. the mess i create by believing that there is something else out there that will satisfy me more than the creator of it all.

worship.

someone brought it to my attention tonight that i've been rather quiet on here lately. i'll leave out his name to protect the innocent...haha

tonight..after a night of worship at church...i found myself praying for everyone leaving.

that we as a church would not be consumers of worship. that our hands wouldn't raise and our hearts swell with emotion in vain.

that the emotions God stirs in our bodies would resound out there...

on the streets...

in our families...

in our work...

as that steve fee song says, "that what we do in here, fills the streets out there..."

i love that line. i feel this is one of the biggest diseases facing The Church today.

we have a whole lot of words...and very few actions.

i pray your life is filled with worship.

that your words are worship...your bodies are worship...your hearts are worship.

i pray The Church learns to worship again.

i haven't really been showing my blog some love lately. not quite sure why. maybe because i feel like i have to be honest here and lately i haven't really been in the mood for sharing to everyone and their grandmother. or maybe it is because some things lose their "newness" and then we are no longer attracted to them. i think that might be it. that's the american way isn't it?

i thought i'd post a few pictures of what i've been up to lately.

i got a hair cut last saturday...she made it pretty. i can't quite get it to look like this. i guess that's why she's the professional. either way, my hair has pretty much been in a pony tail since monday because of this very reason.




i've mainly just been doing a little bit of this:



erica caught me trying to play my guitar left-handed. you'd think playing it this way would feel more comfortable since i'm left-handed but this was not working out so well.



anyway...so as you can tell, life is interesting (insert sarcasm).