done.

i could feel my heart begin to harden this week...and for a bit, i allowed it.

sometimes, protecting ourselves is all we know how to do. stop the pain, right? i noticed i started to have a bad attitude towards things that i've always been joyful over. i've always had a hopeful heart and the past couple of days, i've felt defeated.

my life changed a few months ago...when it did, i thought that i'd never go back to being 'me' again. i thought that a piece of me was gone forever.

but i decided today that i'm done with that. i won't allow my heart to be hardened. that's what satan would want. he wants me out of the fight...he wants me distracted...he wants me hopeless. but i'm choosing to fight. and i haven't been. i've made lame attempts to get my life back knowing the whole time it wasn't a true effort.

i don't want to live like this anymore. i was meant for more.

God is my love. God is my life. and i'm going to start acting like it again.



currently listening to: None But Jesus::Hillsong

waiting...

i feel like i'm always waiting...

currently listening to: Wires:: Athlete

a lot to say

last night i couldn't sleep.

there was this restlessness that i couldn't get past. so, i threw brooke fraser in my cd player (yes, some of us still have those...shocking, i know) and i laid on my floor. i started looking through my notebooks...some old and some recent and i realized something about myself...

i have a lot to say.

now, i don't really know if what i have to say is necessarily coherent, collected, or any good but one thing is certain...there's a lot of words written on pages where only my eyes venture.

all this to say what? hmm..not really sure. maybe to hold myself accountable to write more here...not sure many are reading my blog anyway and actually i'm not quite worried about it. because, as great as it feels to write something in a journal that only i'll read, there's something about writing what's on your heart and knowing others are reading it....and deep down you pray that maybe they'll feel you're pain even if you don't come right out and say what it is....



currently listening to: If I Were a Boy :: Beyonce (don't judge...she can sing!)

thank you.

i've been off lately.

i didn't realize how off i was until people kept asking me what was up. i didn't mean to cause concern.

when i get like this (which isn't too often i don't think), i pretend that i'm not. i know i shouldn't do that...maybe that doesn't make me authentic..i don't know. but i figure, there's no sense bothering people with my silliness. hmm...sounds like a deep rooted issue, eh? ;)

but joking aside, i've really realized how amazing the people who are around me are...there was an "intervention" at work with my girls. it was HILARIOUS! between them and other friends...i've realized that God has truly given me the most amazing people in the world to love on me..and even though i have His love and that trumps it all...it does help to have them there as well. i'd be a hot mess without them!

so...this is to say thank you. my friends rock my little world!


listening to: ingrid michaelson:: be ok

oh, starbucks. how i love thee...

odd things happen to me from time to time. mainly though, they happen at starbucks. maybe it is something in the air...who knows.

need an example? this one happened just about 15 minutes ago...

i left work early to go vote. i decided to chill at starbucks to get some more work done.

i notice an attractive guy in his mid thirties dressed in a dress shirt, tie..the whole nine yards. he's working away and doesn't really give much attention to me. i sit down...get to work.

i'm not sure how much time goes by..an hour and a half? two hours? who knows.

there's this really quirky girl who works at this particular starbucks. she's awkward. i like her.

she comes around giving out samples of the new hot chocolate. yumm..who am i to turn down a free anything?

she comes by mr. suit and tie and offers a sample. this is the conversation that proceeds..

quirky girl: "oh you mr. nice tie can take two."

mr. suit: (laughs) "oh thank you but i'm fine with just one thanks."

quirky girl: "well, you can definitely take two since you have such a snazzy tie."

quirky girl turns towards me and says:

quirky girl: "oh, you get two too since you have a fun scarf. you know, you two should talk since you (looking towards mr. suit) have a nice tie and you (looking towards me) have a fun scarf. you guys should start IMing each other so you can pretend that you're working but really you're not."

mr. suit: (big smile..laughing)

me: (scared look on my face, nervous laughter): "haha...yeah..."

quirky girl: "ok, well..i'll go back to work now. you two should really talk."

so, she walks away...we both look at each other, shake our heads and laugh...then the unexpected!

mr. suit: "hi fun scarf. i'm nice tie."

me: (nervous laughter)

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nuff said...

currently listening to: jimmy eat world: pain

complicated

when did my life become so complicated?


currently listening to: mat kearney

something beautiful.

isn't it strange the affect beautiful things have on us?

i was driving towards the sunset tonight...just running a few errands (hello, blockbuster for the next Heroes disc!)

my mind was racing, and i found myself lost in my thoughts. here i was...in the normal. in the mundane. and then there it was...

something beautiful.

the sunset seemed to pause in time waiting for me to open my eyes to its existence. it has always been there..and until God is done with this earth, it will continue to be there...there's always a sunset somewhere, right? sometimes we just miss it.

but for just a brief moment...my mind cleared and it all drifted away. beauty...real beauty...has a way of doing that, doesn't it?

i've been missing the sunsets lately...and not just the physical ones. i've been so consumed with my mess that i've ignored the beauty that God has placed in my life...

sometimes, i think He makes the sunset that much more spectacular just for me...

you know, i wouldn't put it past Him.

currently listening to: fiona apple