thank you.

i've been off lately.

i didn't realize how off i was until people kept asking me what was up. i didn't mean to cause concern.

when i get like this (which isn't too often i don't think), i pretend that i'm not. i know i shouldn't do that...maybe that doesn't make me authentic..i don't know. but i figure, there's no sense bothering people with my silliness. hmm...sounds like a deep rooted issue, eh? ;)

but joking aside, i've really realized how amazing the people who are around me are...there was an "intervention" at work with my girls. it was HILARIOUS! between them and other friends...i've realized that God has truly given me the most amazing people in the world to love on me..and even though i have His love and that trumps it all...it does help to have them there as well. i'd be a hot mess without them!

so...this is to say thank you. my friends rock my little world!


listening to: ingrid michaelson:: be ok

oh, starbucks. how i love thee...

odd things happen to me from time to time. mainly though, they happen at starbucks. maybe it is something in the air...who knows.

need an example? this one happened just about 15 minutes ago...

i left work early to go vote. i decided to chill at starbucks to get some more work done.

i notice an attractive guy in his mid thirties dressed in a dress shirt, tie..the whole nine yards. he's working away and doesn't really give much attention to me. i sit down...get to work.

i'm not sure how much time goes by..an hour and a half? two hours? who knows.

there's this really quirky girl who works at this particular starbucks. she's awkward. i like her.

she comes around giving out samples of the new hot chocolate. yumm..who am i to turn down a free anything?

she comes by mr. suit and tie and offers a sample. this is the conversation that proceeds..

quirky girl: "oh you mr. nice tie can take two."

mr. suit: (laughs) "oh thank you but i'm fine with just one thanks."

quirky girl: "well, you can definitely take two since you have such a snazzy tie."

quirky girl turns towards me and says:

quirky girl: "oh, you get two too since you have a fun scarf. you know, you two should talk since you (looking towards mr. suit) have a nice tie and you (looking towards me) have a fun scarf. you guys should start IMing each other so you can pretend that you're working but really you're not."

mr. suit: (big smile..laughing)

me: (scared look on my face, nervous laughter): "haha...yeah..."

quirky girl: "ok, well..i'll go back to work now. you two should really talk."

so, she walks away...we both look at each other, shake our heads and laugh...then the unexpected!

mr. suit: "hi fun scarf. i'm nice tie."

me: (nervous laughter)

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nuff said...

currently listening to: jimmy eat world: pain

complicated

when did my life become so complicated?


currently listening to: mat kearney

something beautiful.

isn't it strange the affect beautiful things have on us?

i was driving towards the sunset tonight...just running a few errands (hello, blockbuster for the next Heroes disc!)

my mind was racing, and i found myself lost in my thoughts. here i was...in the normal. in the mundane. and then there it was...

something beautiful.

the sunset seemed to pause in time waiting for me to open my eyes to its existence. it has always been there..and until God is done with this earth, it will continue to be there...there's always a sunset somewhere, right? sometimes we just miss it.

but for just a brief moment...my mind cleared and it all drifted away. beauty...real beauty...has a way of doing that, doesn't it?

i've been missing the sunsets lately...and not just the physical ones. i've been so consumed with my mess that i've ignored the beauty that God has placed in my life...

sometimes, i think He makes the sunset that much more spectacular just for me...

you know, i wouldn't put it past Him.

currently listening to: fiona apple

twilight

i think twilight is my favorite time of the day. there's a feel in the air that i can't quite explain. it just makes me happy. i know this might seem strange, but i feel closer to God at those times. it only last a little while though. you don't have much time to enjoy it. it isn't like the morning or the afternoon which both last for hours. Twilight isn't like that. Twilight lasts just a few moments...and then the night comes.

i think i'll go outside and enjoy the last few moments of it tonight.

selfish

a lot has been going on in my heart lately.

i've realized a few things about myself...

i've made a few decisions lately that i thought defined who i've become. i thought one mistake...or one line of thinking...completely changed my identity into something that i never thought i could be. and for the past few weeks, i've been acting like those mistakes made me a horrible person...that i wasn't worthy of God's love...that somehow i was now on the other side...somehow i was on the other side of grace.

but i now know that's not true.

i've become an extremely selfish person. and pridefully i didn't think i was. but, isn't that how it works? the minute you don't think you're selfish is the minute you are.

my selfishness gave me entitlement.
my selfishness dominated my actions.
my selfishness separated me from God.
my selfishness revealed my ugly heart.
my selfishness broke my heart.

and worst of all, my selfishness does more than just effect me. worst of all, my selfishness hurts others.

i don't want to be this person. i want to live for others...and not for myself.

i want to love people more than myself...to really love them.

forgive me if you've felt the weight of my selfishness. i wasn't thinking of you...only myself.

i'll be honest

i haven't been hanging out with God.

in fact

i've been flat out ignoring Him.

i have access to the God of the universe...the one who brings life and love into the world...who breathes air into my lungs..who has saved me from myself time and time again. yeah, that God. i've been ignoring Him. when i really think about it, i want to slap myself....yell at myself: "wake up!"

but in typical kelli fashion, i run when i'm scared.
i'm scared of what He thinks of me...what He's disappointed in...what He wants me to do...and so

i run.

but i love Him so much. He keeps popping in my mind. i can't run too far...He's always there. i LOVE that about Him! He never gives up on me...He never lets go...i push and push Him away and still He pursues me. still He choses me. still He can't get enough of me. who is this God? who is He that He thinks of me this way? after all i have done and all i will do in the future that breaks His heart.

God, help me to stop breaking your heart....

my life has been far from glorifying...but that's no reason to give up.

i won't try harder...because it has nothing to do with me. it isn't how hard i can try to be the woman of God i want to be. it is how much i allow Him to shine through my mess. the mess i create everyday by not believing Him. the mess i create by believing that there is something else out there that will satisfy me more than the creator of it all.