mercy

this might be a bit more information than many of you would like to hear...

maybe a little too transparent.
maybe not enough.

my heart was breaking the other night...i couldn't stop it. it was all my fault. it was all my doing. i chose to live that way...to wallow in it...to believe lies when i knew they were empty.

the next morning i got down on my knees and begged God to take it away....to have mercy.
you ask with a pure heart...and you'll receive, right?

so why was i so shocked when my heart didn't hurt at all the next day? i felt just fine. i felt free. maybe it was because the truth finally became clear to me...

maybe it was because i begged for His mercy.

maybe it was because i didn't deserve it but God is so madly in love with me that He granted my plea.

either way...

i'm fine.

i'm just fine...and it feels amazing.

:)


currently listening to::fiction family

i need

i need to believe Jesus at His word

i need to leave this place

i need to live...love...cry...laugh

i really need to laugh

i need MORE of Him...so much more. so, so much more that me doesn't exist anymore. can that happen?

please?

sometimes, i just wish Jesus would come back..but then i get scared because i want to hear "well done..."

sometimes, i'm not quite sure i'll hear that.

i want to hear that more than anything in this world.

my actions communicate something different.

i've never been much of a believer of words. but actions...now actions say it all.


currently listening to :: kim walker | sing my love

psalm 63

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.



wow...this verse has been popping up in my life off and on for the past two years.

this is both where i am and where i want to be...my soul does thirst for Him and His love is better than life but i'm not earnestly seeking Him...and my lips definitely don't always glorify Him. God, why don't they?


currently listening to:: phil wickham:: you're beautiful

i need rescue.

done.

i could feel my heart begin to harden this week...and for a bit, i allowed it.

sometimes, protecting ourselves is all we know how to do. stop the pain, right? i noticed i started to have a bad attitude towards things that i've always been joyful over. i've always had a hopeful heart and the past couple of days, i've felt defeated.

my life changed a few months ago...when it did, i thought that i'd never go back to being 'me' again. i thought that a piece of me was gone forever.

but i decided today that i'm done with that. i won't allow my heart to be hardened. that's what satan would want. he wants me out of the fight...he wants me distracted...he wants me hopeless. but i'm choosing to fight. and i haven't been. i've made lame attempts to get my life back knowing the whole time it wasn't a true effort.

i don't want to live like this anymore. i was meant for more.

God is my love. God is my life. and i'm going to start acting like it again.



currently listening to: None But Jesus::Hillsong

waiting...

i feel like i'm always waiting...

currently listening to: Wires:: Athlete

a lot to say

last night i couldn't sleep.

there was this restlessness that i couldn't get past. so, i threw brooke fraser in my cd player (yes, some of us still have those...shocking, i know) and i laid on my floor. i started looking through my notebooks...some old and some recent and i realized something about myself...

i have a lot to say.

now, i don't really know if what i have to say is necessarily coherent, collected, or any good but one thing is certain...there's a lot of words written on pages where only my eyes venture.

all this to say what? hmm..not really sure. maybe to hold myself accountable to write more here...not sure many are reading my blog anyway and actually i'm not quite worried about it. because, as great as it feels to write something in a journal that only i'll read, there's something about writing what's on your heart and knowing others are reading it....and deep down you pray that maybe they'll feel you're pain even if you don't come right out and say what it is....



currently listening to: If I Were a Boy :: Beyonce (don't judge...she can sing!)

thank you.

i've been off lately.

i didn't realize how off i was until people kept asking me what was up. i didn't mean to cause concern.

when i get like this (which isn't too often i don't think), i pretend that i'm not. i know i shouldn't do that...maybe that doesn't make me authentic..i don't know. but i figure, there's no sense bothering people with my silliness. hmm...sounds like a deep rooted issue, eh? ;)

but joking aside, i've really realized how amazing the people who are around me are...there was an "intervention" at work with my girls. it was HILARIOUS! between them and other friends...i've realized that God has truly given me the most amazing people in the world to love on me..and even though i have His love and that trumps it all...it does help to have them there as well. i'd be a hot mess without them!

so...this is to say thank you. my friends rock my little world!


listening to: ingrid michaelson:: be ok