the past.

for some reason, i found myself searching for some old college friends on facebook tonight. i don't know why tonight...why not a week ago, or months ago, or even a year ago?

but tonight i found myself looking at their pages...a "where are they now" kind of moment. and i'll be honest...my heart is kind of heavy. seeing their pictures remind me of me at my worst. i became a pursuer of Christ my freshman year of college. during that year, satan really attacked me and i ended up pretty much living a double life for that first year of school. i was depressed, broken and grasping at anything and everything that would validate me...anything that would "love" me....anything that would take me away from me.

i have asked for forgiveness and i feel freedom from my past...yet the memories haven't gone away. sometimes they are very much real. i don't think about it often and don't get me wrong...that year was also amazing. that was the year GOD radically pursued me. that was the year i fell in LOVE with HIM. you could call it the best and the worst year of my life. but it is a year that will forever be burned into my memory...and those people (dawnie included) will always have a place in my heart. i don't talk to any of them anymore except for dawn. the rest...we just lost touch. the guys are off doing their own thing and the other gal from our fab six is no longer speaking to me. maybe this is God's way of having me make things right with her...i don't know.

but i do know that we cannot forget our past. it is what has made us who we are today. i don't have regrets anymore...i only use those experiences as a reminder that whatever my hands can grasp onto is NOTHING in comparison of what HE offers me freely.


thanks God for reminders of how much you've restored my heart.



currently listening to: None but Jesus, Hillsong United.