confession.

some things got stirred up in me today..things i thought i've dealt with.

i realized something about myself last week that scared me...and then i lived this week as if nothing changed.
that scared me even more. do you do this? am i the only one?

but...
there are some things from my past that are still haunting me...i cannot deny it any longer.

i don't think about these things everyday...and honestly, i thought i had moved passed them...
until i was forced to really face them today...and i realized i still held onto some of that junk....that junk that robbed me of so much.

it took everything in me not to ball my eyes out in a room full of people today. now that takes a lot...(my sister can tell you this). i cry very easily...i don't apologize about that. God made me an emotional/sensitive person. i'm just fine with that....beats being callused/jaded.

but i'm aware now of the hurt that i've been holding onto..the hurt that has been stuffed down...i'm aware now the consequences in my life from holding onto that hurt and not allowing God to take it. i'm aware now of the people i've hurt because of that.

so, i guess this really hasn't been a confession since you have no idea what i'm talking about.
honestly, i'm pretty much an open book and have no problem sharing with all you wonderful people...but some things are better left unsaid in an open setting such as this.

so...there's my confession/non-confession for all three of you who read. ;)

hittin the road..

ok, so i won't be going very far. but some great gals and i will be in the mountains this weekend. i cannot wait. i love getting out of the city and soaking up nature! i really need it right now. i love the clear air, the smell of the trees, the animals, the smell of firewood, hiking around...adventures! i really could go on. i wish i could go right this second!

anyway..all this to say, i'll try to take some pics and post them, but i should be out of commission for a little bit. i'm leaving my computer...i'm not going to answer my phone (what's new?)...just me, the gals, God, and the critters. ;)

hmmm...

i got a hair cut.

i'm not quite sure how i feel...

check out my rockin lumberjack shirt. haha..sorry i had to give it props. it is pretty much my favorite shirt right now. well, next to my hoodies of course. ;)

full.

i feel really full right now.

i have been going through a dry season...for some reason, so many of us are afraid to talk about this type of season in our life. but you know, i'm tired of being afraid to talk about the hard things...the things that might expose our speckled hearts.

but still i've been feeling like i am missing something huge. i feel like i have access to the God of the Universe (which i do) and i'm just asking Him for directions to my neighbor's house instead of galaxies.

but tonight i feel the winds have shifted. i just cannot stop thinking about how much HE loves me...you...us. i just cannot stop thinking about how everyday...in everything...HE pursues me like a madman!

wild isn't it?

I've been tagged. What's a gal to do?

For your entertainment, here are 10 random facts about me. It was too hard to figure out which ones to use. Of course, I now have to figure out a blog title since Jerry called me out on it. Dang it! I was hoping i could get away with it a bit longer.

i have an odd obsession with hoddies. I don't know what it is about them. They are my comfort clothing...some people have sweat pants. i have hoodies.

i was studying anthropology in college and was wanting to be an archaeologist. Then God grabbed ahold of my heart and i felt He had other plans for me. Man, I could be somewhere rockin right now playin in the mud.

As a kid, one of my favorite things to do was hang out in my dad's "shop" and help him work. We did anything from repack wheel bearings, change his oil, paint and fix his motorcycle's trailer, make tables and chairs and picture frames...etc. Now did i really learn how to do any of that? Not really. I just wanted to hang out with my dad. and I loved the smell of his shop.

I think i have ADD...or is it ADHD? What's the difference? Who knows. I don't feel like looking it up.

I am the furthest away from being a detail oriented person. I would be a horrible eye witness. But, I think i have selective detail orientation because sometimes i can describe things down to the t. odd...very odd.

I used to play baseball with the neighborhood boys in the church parking lot when i was in 5th through 8th grade. I got really mad when I tried to sign up to play baseball and they told me girls had to play softball. I had a hard time getting used to that stupid grapefruit ball. I only played two more years. I hated softball.

My love language is quality time so if you don't wanna hang out with me, I don't think you care about me. I think this makes complete sense. You care about someone, don't you want to be around them? It isn't rocket science.

I've been writing songs since I can remember. I have a billion notebooks full of half songs, quarter songs, one lines, whole songs...etc. Many are just ideas. When I sit down and try to make sense of my notebooks, it is slightly overwhelming. It is too much....also, i hate writing with capital letters. the main time i do write properly is for work.

I am the least organized person you'll ever meet. I just got a planner and it is driving me crazy to put things in it. Can't I decide to do something last minute any more? No, because all of you uber-organized freaks get incredibly annoyed with me!

I am really bad with crowds of people, but I love to get to know people one on one or in a small group. Anything over a group of five or so puts me in introvert mode. i hate being noticed in a large group of people. i get all self-conscious and say stupid things. that happens a lot anyway. sometimes i just blurt things out without thinking. oops.

i think something is wrong with me...

i was at the mall this afternoon...let me just say that i'm not a huge fan of the mall for multiple reasons...

but none the less, i am on the hunt for "the perfect dress." i need it for the rehearsal dinner for Dawn's wedding. and so the hunt began...

as i was looking around the stores, my heart felt very dissatisfied. i found myself wanting everything i saw and even found myself wishing i had more money to be able to afford the cloths i really want to wear.

now i must pause here and let you in on a little something about me...i'm not one of those people that says they just enjoy the "finer things in life" as an excuse to purchase ridiculously overpriced things. i'm almost the opposite of that. i guess growing up with parents that were living paycheck to paycheck kinda teaches you that there's more to life than said "finer things." at an early age, i learned that happiness and love could not be found in those things. and even though i didn't grow up in a God-honoring home either, i learned that those things would never satisfy.

so, back to the mall...

as i was looking at these beautiful dresses, all i could think about were the people in africa i met...each item of clothing represented a child starving...and with each thoughtless purchase, i was allowing that to happen.

i was about to buy a dress that cost more than they made in a year...yes, a year...and i had to ask myself, "why am i looking for a dress to buy when i have plenty at home that i never wear?"

the mall became this bottomless pit full of things that don't matter...just things...

africa is a continent full of people that do matter.

I put the dress down...

and walked out.

consume delight

When your words came, I ate them;
they were my joy and my heart's delight...
Jeremiah 15:16

The first time I read this verse, it was like the wind was taken out of me. i stopped in my tracks...


the NLT version says this...

When I discovered your words, I devoured them.
They are my joy and my heart’s delight,

beautiful.
absolutely beautiful.