long way home

today was an interesting day with a range of emotions all packed in a 24 hour period.

i went from feeling frustrated and tired to appreciated and encouraged. i went from joyful and humbled to rejected and attacked.

don't you hate when that happens? it's almost as if you can visualize the battle going on for your emotions.

after a very long day, i found myself driving home after church (www.passioncitychurch.org). i left in such a defeat that i was just driving on autopilot. about halfway home, i realized that i took the extremely long way home. i could have been home 30 minutes earlier if i had just paid attention.

i think this is my spiritual life right now...i'm on autopilot. sure, i'll have great moments with God...but i'm just letting the car take me where it wants to go. i'm not taking my responsibility seriously of taking the wheel (carrie underwood would be ashamed of me for saying this..). But, I'm not being proactive.

honestly, i'm too tired right now to complete even where i'm going with this...i could just save this as a draft and finish it later...but i wanted to share.

random unfinished thoughts..

love.

currently listening to : hillsong, with everything

gone.

wow. i've been gone for a while, eh?

not 100% sure why...laziness? nah, that's not it. fear? that seems a little closer to the truth.
i guess i was afraid of what i'd write on here...afraid i'd expose too much. who knows. i guess it doesn't really matter either way. it's just a blog, right?

i was inspired the other day to start writing to you good folks again. we'll see how long this lasts...or if anyone will be around to read. :)

just thought i'd say hey.

love.


listening to: the civil wars - poison and wine. (you seriously have to hear this song)

156 times

I was reading Blue Like Jazz for about the 156th time last night when I came across this particular passage:

“When I was young I thought I had forever to figure things out…but I didn’t. I didn’t have long to figure things out. I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time.”

Wow. I couldn’t shake those words. I kept reading on but I found that I wasn’t really understanding the words I passed through. “but rather have us wasting time” kept replaying over and over in my head.

God had something to say and He wouldn’t let me carry on without knowing that.

How many times have I read this book and how many times have I read that passage…but never have they hit me the way they hit me last night.

I started asking myself...God, are you saying I’ve been wasting time? Honestly, in some areas I think the answer is yes. But I think God had more to say than that. Something much more…something below the surface of the obvious.

What if, I’ve been spending too much time focusing on my sin…focusing on my brokenness and my mistakes…that I’ve missed something He’s been wanting to do in me?

What if, I’ve been wasting my time on things already forgiven?

What if I’m not that same person anymore? Even that person I was just a few months ago? Is that even possible…even believable? Funny thing is, God can change anyone in an instant. I know this. I believe it. So how can I not believe it of myself?

I’ve been tricked. I’ve been fooled, and I’ve spent too much time believing lies.

My time is valuable…not because it is mine but because it is His.



Currently listening to: Bethany Dillon::My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold

mercy

this might be a bit more information than many of you would like to hear...

maybe a little too transparent.
maybe not enough.

my heart was breaking the other night...i couldn't stop it. it was all my fault. it was all my doing. i chose to live that way...to wallow in it...to believe lies when i knew they were empty.

the next morning i got down on my knees and begged God to take it away....to have mercy.
you ask with a pure heart...and you'll receive, right?

so why was i so shocked when my heart didn't hurt at all the next day? i felt just fine. i felt free. maybe it was because the truth finally became clear to me...

maybe it was because i begged for His mercy.

maybe it was because i didn't deserve it but God is so madly in love with me that He granted my plea.

either way...

i'm fine.

i'm just fine...and it feels amazing.

:)


currently listening to::fiction family

i need

i need to believe Jesus at His word

i need to leave this place

i need to live...love...cry...laugh

i really need to laugh

i need MORE of Him...so much more. so, so much more that me doesn't exist anymore. can that happen?

please?

sometimes, i just wish Jesus would come back..but then i get scared because i want to hear "well done..."

sometimes, i'm not quite sure i'll hear that.

i want to hear that more than anything in this world.

my actions communicate something different.

i've never been much of a believer of words. but actions...now actions say it all.


currently listening to :: kim walker | sing my love