i'll be honest

i haven't been hanging out with God.

in fact

i've been flat out ignoring Him.

i have access to the God of the universe...the one who brings life and love into the world...who breathes air into my lungs..who has saved me from myself time and time again. yeah, that God. i've been ignoring Him. when i really think about it, i want to slap myself....yell at myself: "wake up!"

but in typical kelli fashion, i run when i'm scared.
i'm scared of what He thinks of me...what He's disappointed in...what He wants me to do...and so

i run.

but i love Him so much. He keeps popping in my mind. i can't run too far...He's always there. i LOVE that about Him! He never gives up on me...He never lets go...i push and push Him away and still He pursues me. still He choses me. still He can't get enough of me. who is this God? who is He that He thinks of me this way? after all i have done and all i will do in the future that breaks His heart.

God, help me to stop breaking your heart....

my life has been far from glorifying...but that's no reason to give up.

i won't try harder...because it has nothing to do with me. it isn't how hard i can try to be the woman of God i want to be. it is how much i allow Him to shine through my mess. the mess i create everyday by not believing Him. the mess i create by believing that there is something else out there that will satisfy me more than the creator of it all.